Diary of A Redundancy

Bang Off Target

2012-02-28T12:43:00.003-08:00

Ah see how the mighty have fallen
Emma Harrison (CBE) http://emma-harrison.com/ (the Blog on her site doesn't seem very up to date ;)

Darling of the Coalition and of the BBC
(but I'm knocking off and going home for it's almost half-past three)
Your paperwork's all checked and signed
In different hands, but never mind
In another month it'll be forgot
another £8.6m bonus and that's my lot

It's all about targets.
Granted she missed hers (well, A4e did) but she came out pretty canny (as they say oop North)...but that's the funny thing about targets....
Targets are very trendy these days, even in places where they really don't belong.
You can go and see someone, get them signed up to whatever work experience/workfare scheme is current and the client might be:

Annoyed that you're wasting her time
Relieved as she hasn't seen anyone all week and her cat just died and she's feeling bloody awful and needs to offload
You might have some useful information to impart to the client and they might be improved by this meeting

But whichever it is, you get the same signature.
You hit the same target
If you're looking at this mathematically, which we should, as it's supposed to be in some way scientific, then we have to say that if plotted on a graph the values would be all over the shop.
What would these targets indicate? What would they prove?
You may as well throw dice.
Of course Ms Harrison is only one person. As The Guardian has pointed out her sin was that she allowed herself to become a TV personality, so slinking away silently from the wreck like she was an Italian ferry captain wasn't really an option.
It's not really her fault though is it?
The coalition needed a cheesy Tony Blair type grin and Emma was there to provide it.
There are quite a lot of huge companies working on government contracts spending our money and they are all anonymous. And that's not a coincidence. You become a public face and the public may love you one minute and hate you the next, and they'll certainly be able to throw cabbages at you in the street.
Too recognisable
Can you say the same about the chairman of Group 4? Or Serco?
Targets? They do have value.
In a spiritual sense. But not in the sense that you could get someone to tick a box, leave a box unticked, or forge a tick.
A couple of months ago I was working with some "Service Users with Learning Difficulties".
I took one of them for a cookery session. He attends these sessions regularly.
If there were targets for this client group (there don't seem to be targets for this client group. The idea seems to be that you warehouse them for life in suspended animation) then we could tick that box and meet that target because he attended.
But most of the time when he attended he didn't do any cooking.
He sat still and watched while his staff "minder" did it for him.
But I didn't think Getting Me to Do Everything was such a good idea.
So, here we are: Recipe of the Day.
Your favourite: "Chicken Casserole"
I took a turnip out of the bag.
A turnip has many characteristics.
It is pretty large, after all when I was little there weren't any pumpkins and we used to hollow them out for lanterns. They are irregular and inelegant. They roll about a lot. They are also pretty solid.
We need a good solid piece of cutlery for this...
So I started looking for a knife to cut the turnip.
The knife drawer was full of cheap blunt knives with blades that were so thin the would bend when you breathed on them.
"Oh" the voice of the supervisor sounded helpfully behind me
"We don't have sharp knives. For Health and Safety reasons, you know. We don't want anyone getting hurt"
How anyone with poor motor skills, a wandering attention span and anxiety issues was supposed to carve up this cannonball of a vegetable using a knife that would struggle to cut soup wasn't explained.
But he did it. I found a blade hiding at the back of the drawer and properly supervised as he did it. And the rest.
I was told that this was the most that he has ever done.
And that wasn't surprising.
It's usually much easier to do something for someone, that to get them to do it for themselves, but of course they learn nothing.
As this group of Service Users is not meant to learn anything nobody cares about targets anyway, but if they did, the target would be that they turned up. What they did, and the quality of what was done, would not have been considered.
Oh, and they wouldn't have been consulted much either, come audit time.
As long as we can tick the service user involvement box the job's done.
The quality of the involvement is a bit Will O The Wisp, really.
Oh and the next day I asked the Service User if he enjoyed the chicken casserole.
Without looking at me he replied "It went in the bin"
"In the bin?" I asked "Why on earth did it go in the bin?"
Still not looking at me he answered
"Well I hate chicken casserole"

The Death of Captain Scarlet

2012-02-16T13:21:00.000-08:00

Coming soon !

Stop The Press

2012-02-16T13:15:00.000-08:00

This is the second time I have spent ages talking to BBC journalists about "my experience of being unemployed"
They ring me, I don't ring them. I'm not that sad.
The problem with this is that I keep sounding too upbeat.
Okay I'd like a job that lasted longer than five weeks but:.....The world is in the middle of a recession so it's not just me.....It could be worse I could be Greek.....It could be worse I could be materialistic and want the Aston that Jezza tells me is "just great and much better than their last p.o.s."
But I'm ok really.
I'm not living on toast in a frozen bedsit with no money for the meter and seven dwarves to feed.
So although I DO have Incredibly Important Views on the current situation I'm obviously not worthy of interviewing as I'm not about to top myself.
How about that for balanced news then?

Five Weeks in Another Country

2012-02-04T04:35:00.000-08:00

Roger Rees, David Threlfall:
The Life and Adventures of Nicholas Nickleby (1982)

Well it didn’t go all that well, really.

Did it go as well as could be expected?.
I suppose it didn’t sound all that good did it? It looked dodgy, right?

Yessss….. I was quite apprehensive about this job.

Apart from the odd setup at the start....You know, the bit that went:
Have you any relevant experience with this sort of client?:
No
Have you a current Criminal Records Bureau Disclosure Form to show you're not an axe murdering Satanist?:
No.
Do you have any references from people who can vouch for you?
Might be difficult. Everyone was made redundant. Everyone who could have written a reference has gone "poof"
Poof? I see. That's a "no" then? No references?
Possibly it's a "no"..... probably it's a "no"
Excellent. Sign here and can you start tomorrow?
Apart from that, which was a Bit Odd, I was quite scared at the prospect of working with people with Learning Difficulties.

Now there’s a label for you: “Learning Difficulties”.

It doesn’t really mean anything does it? But that seems to be the point

Once upon a time the great unwashed public knew what the collecting tin was for.

You know, there was the collecting box in the shape of a girl with leg callipers. That was for the Spastics Society.

Now you can’t say that word anymore. It’s like using the “n” word to describe a black person. It could get you arrested and deported to Abu Ghraib.

But people used to know what you meant when they said your donation was “for the spastics”. Now they say it’s for ‘Scope’.

“What’s that then, some sort astronomy project?”

And “Learning Difficulties”.

Used to be mental handicap. Now it isn’t.

Mental handicap is a pejorative term, so we say Learning Difficulties.

Which nobody understands.

I mean I have learning difficulties. I can’t read a map. My sense of direction is useless. Also I never did learn my multiplication tables.

Do I have Learning Difficulties?

No, I don’t. I’m just a bit thick.

Names get changed to protect Service Users. And don’t get me started about the term “Service users”. Sounds like someone who jumps on a bus.

Society is always trying to protect vulnerable groups. Nothing wrong with that. But you can go too far in the wrong direction. Just like me when I try and read a map.

Old geezers will remember Brian Rix.

He starred in lots of TV shows in the 60’s and 70’s then dropped out of sight.

He had a child who had “learning difficulties” and decided to dedicate his life to that cause.

Except it was called mental handicap back then.

Brian Rix’s son was on the radio in a debate about political correctness.

He said “I really don’t like the new terms people use.

Nobody understands them except the professionals. “Mental handicap” the public understand. Nobody knows what you mean when you say “My child has learning difficulties”

I wonder if anyone asks the service users before they change their labels. But no. They cannot give their informed consent and so they need to be protected from the world.

Anyway, I digress….

I was quite apprehensive about working with these people.

Why, I’m not sure. Something about looking into the abyss and the abyss staring back at you. Maybe.

When I arrived at the large, brick-built house I was shown around it by one of the residents.

Simon was a middle aged man and had been in one institution or another for many years. His parents had recently passed away and this had caused him huge anxieties. Recently the police had been called and he had been arrested following an emotional and physical outburst.

Simon was one of the reasons I was being placed on this house. No more single cover from staff teams.

He did an okay job showing me around though. At least his sense of direction was better than mine.

I met some of the other residents. They were friendly and seemed quite content.

Content. Now there’s an interesting concept.

Is that what we should aim for with people? Contentment?

Some of the residents exhibited odd behaviours that were probably characteristic of some mental illness or other. I didn’t know enough about these, but it would become obvious that nobody else seemed to know what these behaviours meant either.

There were lots of strange hand gestures.

One of the residents would punctuate his sentences with a bizarre motion which involved placing his hands in front of his mouth and wriggling his fingers furiously. This made him look like a feeding crab or something decidedly insect like. Maybe like an Ood for you Dr. Who fans out there.

Whatever the gesture meant it was repeated regularly and without variation during his communications.

I asked another worker about it. The other worker said to me

“Oh, it’s him being threatening. I’ve told him off about that”

“Threatening?” I replied. “No, I don’t think so. He does it when he’s happy. He does it when he’s excited. I don’t think he does it when he feels threatened”

“Really?” He said this in a way that suggested that nobody had ever brought it up before. Either way, he didn’t seem to think it important.

There were lots of strange facial expressions in this group of service users.

Lots of repetitive behaviour and lots of speech disorders.

I hadn’t seen anything like it since Prime Minister’s Question Time.

There was a young man. Eighteen years old. His name was Thomas.

Thomas was a big lad, about six foot three and well built.

He was very friendly, he made excellent eye contact. He was quite appropriate in most of his communications, except that his voice was way TOO LOUD and he would make some repetitive and sometimes bizarre statements.

He would say to most of the staff team, regardless of their gender that they looked like Cheryl Cole.

Or better than Cheryl Cole.

I think I got “You look better than Cheryl Cole” but he might have just been trying to get in my good books.

I think I struck up a good relationship with Thomas. Or he struck up a good relationship with me. I’m not too sure which way round it went.

Although he was an adolescent he had a learning age of three and he couldn’t read or write at all.

He was, however very enthusiastic about almost everything, and he loved being busy and engaged. He loved music. His taste was a little off the wall but he loved music.

It was Christmas and he’d been bought an MP3 player by the staff team.

I asked him what music he liked and I put some on his machine. Culture Club and Status Quo. Weird.

I tried to teach him how to download but as he couldn’t read we kept running into brick walls.

Ditto with the MP3 player.

In order to navigate around menus and find the tracks you need you need to be able to read.

And he couldn’t read.

But buying presents for people in institutions is like that.

This is your present.

Isn’t it lovely?

Now go away and stop bothering me.

Thomas had previously been bought a camera.

Great idea. I love photography

“Can I see what you’ve got on your memory card?” I asked him

I looked at the pictures he had taken.

There was one of him staring at the camera and gurning.

And here was another one him staring at the camera and gurning …and another….and another.

That night we went for a walk. It was cold, too cold to be out really but I was determined we would come back with something other than gurning pictures.

So we stood in the freezing night air

So he turned the camera round

Darkness.

Inky black. Chill and oh so very clear

Apartment blocks lit up like neon signs, reflecting shimmering pools of light on the lake surface.

So he turned the camera around, we took some pictures and he was happy.

We walked back to the house through the winter cold and the freezing mud.

Thomas showed the pictures to another worker who seemed almost shocked by them.

They are…very artistic really.

Yes. They were.

Really.

Thomas would meet me at the door when I came on shift. He was keen to do stuff.

It didn’t really matter what the stuff was, he just wanted to do things.

I was quite happy to do things with him, and to do things with anyone else who wanted to do things. And there seemed to be quite a few service users who wanted to do things.
Maybe they wanted more than just being content after all.

That’s when I took a look at the staff rota and found that I was to be moved out….

To be continued...

The Waiting Room

2011-12-14T09:54:00.000-08:00

So my last two interviews .....
One was for a mental health charity. I was asked to wait in the front room of a converted terraced house in Darlington.
In the room were two abandoned service users, covered in cobwebs and staring into space, some Christmas decorations left over from the Boer war and a tree that was the size and appearance of an unpleasant fungal growth.
I don't know if this was some sort of test and I was supposed to organise a singalong with the room's occupants-if it was, I'm sorry-I failed.
I think the interview went okay, but they still haven't told me the result, which I'm assuming means I didn't get it.
Would be nice to be told , though.
They did the same on the last interview I attended with this company.
Not a word.
Not a "Thanks for showing up and missing Jeremy Kyle". Nada.
Thing is that they were interviewing candidates from three days...and there was only one job.
I hate that kind of maths.
But then there's the other kind of maths.
My next interview was at a local City Council.
It was being handled by an employment agency. mmmm lovely. I love agencies.
But I applied and got my interview
I'm not sure exactly what was going on here but it was quite intrigued.
Instead of one job and three days worth of candidates there were twenty-six jobs that needed filling by next week.
It was one sort of job (do everything and do it yesterday) and all sorts of clients.
From Alzheimer's to Autism.
And some that didn't start with the letter "A"
Again, I think it went fine.
I gave them a rundown of my "professional" life, which is now quite broad and varied. I steered through the dangerous rocks of various questions, for example:
Client-centred approaches.
It's weird but although people are happy to see that twenty years ago the job they are doing wasn't client centred and now it is more client centred, they always seem a bit prickly about the thought that in twenty years time their approach will seem like they're those guys with pointy hats from the Spanish Inquisition.
It's the way life is.
Things change. All the time.
But I didn't say that.
I said that "I'd known bad times in work practice environments, but now times were great and everyone was really scrummy."
Then the time came for me to ask if I had any questions.
I couldn't help but pop one in, as it were:
"How come you need twenty-six workers by next week?"
She seemed a little furtive."....errrm....We're not allowed to recruit any staff through normal channels.
There's no funding.
So we have to fill these posts somehow.
So we're hiring people for four months through an agency."
I couldn't help but wonder what sort of economic miracle she was expecting to occur by March 2012 that would release all this funding. All the forecasts I've seen suggest this year is bad and next year will be worse.
So I looked at her sympathetically and said
"Twenty-six people to start next week?....I'm glad I've not got your job"
She looked at me with horror, shot a defensive look to her colleague and replied:
"I love my job".
So I guess in the end I said the wrong thing anyway....

Ah Mr. Jones, Please Take a Seat...

2011-11-23T12:32:00.000-08:00

So anyway At my last interview I was asked a question that took me a little aback
No, it wasn't "Are you wearing fishnet tights under that suit?"
That would have been sexual harassment (and also a spookily good guess)
The question was:
"Has any manager or supervisor ever had cause to question your practice ?"
Now I'm used to the bit about criminal convictions:
"Have you a criminal record?"
I usually answer:
"Well I've got "Abba's Greatest Hits". Does that count?
Brings the house down.
Or you'll get:
"Have you ever had disciplinary proceedings brought against you?"
But not:
"Has a manager ever given you grief about anything you've done"
The real answer I should have given would have been something like:
"Look. I've worked with vulnerable people since 1986.
I've seen some changes.
When I started my professional career I worked in an old fashioned asylum where some staff would beat up the patients. I didn't like it, I said so and I got into bother.
I worked with young people before the Children Act was passed.
When The Management rule was :
"Ask the child, tell the child then make the child"
I didn't like that.
It got me into bother.
I've worked with some pretty unprofessional, non-client centred and sometimes hysterically illegal outfits.
I've worked with people who did illegal things routinely.
Condoned by The Management.
So if you're asking me to provide an honest answer in this little interview room that doesn't make me sound like an egotistical paranoid nutter then I'll say:
"Nope. Nobody ever questioned what I did. Not ever"

You what now....?

2011-11-23T10:21:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Newt rang me : I hadn't got the job.

"Oh well, thanks for letting me know...."

"Would you like some feedback?"

"Yes, sure"

"Well you knew your stuff but next time you might make more eye contact."

"Oh, erm...ok....."

This had me puzzled. I was making a pretty conscious effort to make eye contact.

I'm getting the hang of this interview lark..."eye contact", that's paragraph three,

Just after the part that tells you not to stare at the interviewer's tits.

"You mean during the interview I wasn't making eye contact?"

"Oh no" she replied "During your presentation"

I had to do a ten minute Powerpoint presentation on a subject they had given me and I had prepared the night before.

I had to use their laptop.

There was no projection facility so I had to read from a laptop screen which faced 180 degrees to the interview panel.

I know ideally you don't read your presentation from a screen but as it was a subject they had just given me, I didn't exactly know it by heart.

And I did keep turning round to them (with lots and lots of eye contact) when illustrating my points with some (admittedly largely fictitous) anecdotes from my working life.

I felt I should give some feedback to my feedback:

" er...how could I possibly make a lot of eye contact when I was reading off a little laptop screen, and the laptop was at the other end of the room facing the other way?"

"Yes" she said" I can see it would have been difficult"

I hope I had pressed the "end call" button on the 'phone before I screamed some rather harsh language.

So I have a plan:

Next time I shall wear antennae, so that I can look two ways at once.

And possibly paint myself blue.

These things may stand me in good stead.

I read that these days employers have to value diversity.

Frogs!

2011-11-22T12:35:00.000-08:00

Well it's been an interesting week
On Thursday and Friday of last week I had three interviews and today, Tuesday, I've had another.
It was at "The Frog Centre" in Middlesbrough.
I tried putting this in the satnav ...nothing....ribbit
I looked for a map on Dr Google....nothing...ribbit ribbit.
I headed for the nearest place that my satnav could find....ahhhhh...there's a van with a frog on it!
Nowhere near the van was there any evidence of a Frog Centre.
I pressed the doorbell of the nearest building.
Nothing. No answer.
ribbit ribbit ribbit
I drove around the block looking for random amphibians....aha!....sitting outside a local school was an ornamental green frog.
I asked a guy walking past:
"Frog Centre?"
and.......... he pointed me back the way I had just been
I looked at the building for any reference to "Frogs" or "Centres" but reference was there none.
I was now ten minutes late for my interview.
After much hammering on the suspect door a small newt arrived and said she was expecting me.
"Is this the Frog Centre?" I asked
"Yes" she replied "it is indeed"
I looked her for a moment. Then at the building. Then back at the newt.
"How can anyone tell?"
She looked at me contemptously and swam off.
It was not a good start.
On Friday I had another treasure hunt.
The headquarters of a local charity in Middlesbrough
It was a sensible address.
No frogs, no aadvarks, no drysophila to squeeze into the satnav
I parked the car and looked over to the building.
There was a row of shops, and a sign for the Job Centre.
I investigated further.
One of the shops was a large off- licence.
It looked like any other off -licence until I looked a little closer.
Bars.
Not the kind you drink at.
Yards and yards of steel bars reached from floor to ceiling separating the customer from the booze. Enough Lambrini to refloat the Titanic, but sadly out of reach.
There was a little hatch, like a bank teller's window where you could put your money through and take your tinnies, but other than that there was no browsing allowed.
Odd really.
I mean I haven't really come across a place that sold anything that had to be built like it was expecting a frontal assault.
Interesting though. The place was enormous, so obviously was doing quite well.
And the fact that it existed at all suggested that the usual places for cheap booze-supermarkets- were keeping we away from the hood.
A nifty place for an entrepreneur with three tons of scrap iron and a sawn -off shotgun.
Anyway....back to the treasure hunt.
I entered the gates of the Jobcentre, a place where all the locals gather to worship, bringing offerings of Stella and pork scratchings
Past the (spookily unmanned) reception area.
Past the signs saying:
"Don't leave bikes here"
"If you leave your bikes here they will be stolen"
and:
"If you leave your bikes here they will be stolen and some bastard will come back for your legs"
I took the lift. It delivered me to the floor above the Jobcentre.
I don't think people normally came this far...
There was a long corridor with several dividing doors.
I walked through each of them.
I examined each door.
They all had very temporary looking signs on them, one of them read:
"The Deaf Centre", which had been altered to read:
"The Hard of Hearing Centre" and then changed to:
"The Differentially Enabled Auditory Association"
I suspect the sign had been there for some time.....
I walked past my door - I'm not sure what was written on the sign- it referred to other services the organisation delivered and the company logo was teeny tiny.
In a darkened passage where I was in imminent danger of being bushwhacked by an unemployed cider-swilling cyberman I had missed the vital clue.
I entered, did my thing, strutted my stuff and went home
So there you have it.
Sometimes actually finding where you need to be for an interview is a challenge.
Prospective employers may think:
Well I know where I am, therefore everyone else will know where I am.
Or maybe it's an initiative test.
Or maybe, as most of these jobs have already gone to someone's cousin who works at the company already and therefore knows where it is....or maybe they are trying to head me off at the pass.
Nope.
I got there.
I got to all four of my interviews
Four in three days.
Frogs and all.
Ribbit!

Cars 2

2011-10-13T04:55:00.000-07:00

So the Insurance Assessor came to see our battered Ford Ka and shook his head:
"They'll write it off. They always do."
He filled in his paperwork and vanished.
That was three weeks ago, we've heard nowt since.
In the meantime we've been supplied with a brand new Peugeot 207 (dreadful car) which costs somebody £50 a day to hire.
So let's see...that's £50 a day...we haven't heard anything back from the insurers yet.
No offer for the wrecked Ka, so it'll be at least another week.....28 days at £50 a day...that's £1200.
But I think it'll take longer than that.
Usually they make more than one offer and you negotiate...so let's say it might take another month...£2400
The vehicle is worth-at best £500
Do you ever wonder why our insurance premiums are so high....?
I rang Swintons, the brokers today.
I couldn't see the point in keeping the Ka insured as it wasn't being used. So let's cancel the insurance and save some money.
I rang them to do it.
"Well we don't think you can do that.... We think they changed the law and you have to keep it insured."
I rang the DVLA: "Yes you can cancel the insurance on the Ka if you take it off the road.No problem. Fill in a Sorn while you're at it"
I rang the car hire company to double check.
"The replacement vehicle is covered separately so yes you can cancel the Ka insurance.No problem"
So I rang Swintons, the brokers back.
"I want to cancel my insurance on the Ka"
"Oh, have you got another car?"
"No" (I lied. But I wouldn't insure a Dinky Toy through these guys again.)
"Oh well...we'll have to check and see if you can do that....We'll call you back."
That was three hours ago.
You know, you pay people money for some sort of service and you assume they know more that you do....in some cases this obviously isn't true.
Next time I call a plumber I don't expect he'll ask me how to solder a pipe.
If I ever go for an operation I don't expect I'll come out of the anaesthetic and the surgeon will ask me if I have "any idea where this bit goes".
With some people its all about meeting their targets.
These people are just there to sell you stuff.
Don't expect them to have a clue about anything else, and if they do have a clue, don't expect them to tell you.
You're just the customer.

sleepwalking

2011-10-05T14:28:00.000-07:00

How far can you travel while you're asleep?

An electric car crashed at trials at 80 mph. It was allegedly capable of 120 mph. In 1902.

The Romans used concrete 2,000 years ago. A lot of their stuff still stands.

Our concrete falls apart after a century. If it lasts that long.
In 2,000 years nothing will be left of us but the nuclear waste we emptied down mineshafts.
and Twinkies.
Twinkies last forever.
Maybe we should make buildings from Twinkies?

Nuclear energy.
Our nuclear reactors use uranium as a fuel. It's scarce and not very efficient.
It would be far more efficient to use thorium reactors.
Thorium is comparitively common.
A by-product of using uranium, as currently used in power stations is ....plutonium
Nasty suff plutonium
Goes bang.
but you can't get plutonium from thorium reactors.
And you need plutonium to make atomic bombs.
So way back, when we decided to build nuclear power stations, we chose to use uranium a fuel, and not thorium because we needed bombs, which needed .....plutonium.
Today we have to be careful as Iran and North Korea might generate plutonium as a by product from their uranium reactors.
And make bombs.
I guess we backed the wrong horse, somewhere.

Goodnight and God bless

Mission : Impossible

2011-10-04T03:59:00.000-07:00

Access Denied.

Ethan Hunt dangled like a pantomime fairy from his tether. Hanging in mid air whilst suspended from the ceiling was something he hadn't done since the office Christmas party.
The computer blinked on, like a blinking computer.
"Access Denied: You are not authorised for that security level."
"We cannot give you that information. If we do we'll have to kill you in various unpleasant and unlikely ways."
Ethan smirked his boyish smirk. A smirk he had inherited from his father, who had a fatherish smirk in later life.
Ethan heard heavy footsteps approaching, he knew he was running out of time. And cheese.
Ethan knew he had to buy more cheese. He'd checked the fridge and he knew he was out of cheese.
And what was worse, was that he was almost out of time.
And cheese.
Quickly he employed his Special Forces training and accessed the highly secret website known as Google.
There it was! This was what he had been looking for.
Trembling, he typed in: "How the bloody hell do I find the details of another driver involved in an accident, then?"
It had taken precious seconds but finally.....there it was!
http://www.askmid.com/askmidenquiry.aspx
It had taken Ethan Hunt 4.5 minutes to access the information he needed.
If he had not been dangling from the roof with a fishing line tied to his pants it might have taken less.

So there you are.
Information denied by an insurance company is accessible to the public (if you've had an accident) on payment of....£3.75 to the Motor Insurance Database.Run by the DVLA. Official and that.
You can also get the information if you're a representative of the above.
This would include things like-er-insurance companies.
It doesn't cost them £3.75 though.
For them it's free.
Left right and centre people are telling us that something is impossible.
What they mean is "There's a piece of legislation out there. We don't know what it means and that means that you won't either. So in order to avoid doing anything about anything we'll just say:
It's a Data Protection/Health and Safety/ Prevention of Terrorism Act issue.
I'm currently complaining to the Financial Ombudsman.
I registered a complaint with Swinton first (you have to do that)
The reply came back. They didn't think they had done anything wrong. Their email contained, mysteriously, the following line:

"..........this would follow us asking relevant data protection questions and beige satisfied with the answers.."

Ethan furrowed his brow with a brow furrow.

He asked them what that sentence meant, and why it contained that old KGB colour code.

Why it contained the word "beige"

Beige was known to be in the man in charge.
The Big Boss. The Head Honcho. Mister Big. The Emperor of Crime and Parts of Huddersfield.

They replied with a single enigmatic line:

"I apologise ..... the word "beige"was meant to be the word" being."

But Ethan knew the truth.

A Bump in the Night

2011-10-03T12:27:00.000-07:00

Our thirteen year old Ford Ka got hit by a Taxi (a huge Vauxhall Vivavoo or some such tank).

It was parked when the iceberg struck.

Ok it's a grotty Ka. Get your jokes out of the way. I liked it, it was useful, reliable,cheap and it worked. A bit like the original model T.

Well, it worked apart from when I lost my keys in Hamsterley Forest, but let's not go there right now.

Anyway...the car was hit over the front wheel arch. The taxi driver knew he'd hit but he drove off anyway.

The Ka was towed back. The insurance broker was contacted as were the police (the driver leaving the scene without providing details was, of course, an offence)

The police turned up and were jolly decent. But when it came to the insurance brokers....

They couldn't arrange a replacement vehicle as they couldn't trace the other driver's insurers. There was a possibility he wasn't insured. Naturally no insurance meant no replacement car ...and the insurer couldn't trace any insurance policy for the other driver.

Eventually we found that the other driver was insured with the same broker as us. Simple then. Tell that to the broker and Bob's your uncle.

So I rang the broker with the good news.

" I'm sorry sir, we can't do that. It's contrary to the Data Protection Act and we take the Data Protection Act very seriously.

I spluttered a little at this point.

"Surely not?"

"Yes sir. It's contrary to the Data Protection Act and we take the Data Protection Act very seriously."

"So you're sitting at one desk and you can't tell the person sitting next to you the details of the other driver?"

"I'm afraid not, sir. It's contrary to the Data Protection Act and we take the Data Protection Act very seriously."

I rang head office.They told me they couldn't do anything. It had something to do with them taking the Data Protection Act very seriously.

Well even superficially this was all bollocks.

Remember the story of the school that made wearing safety goggles compulsory when playing with conkers?. The headmaster of the school was interviewed years afterwards and he said yes he had made a rule to that effect, but that he was taking the micky out of Health a Safety legislation, or at least the public concept of Health and Safety.

It's the same with Data Protection. An act brought in for a very good purpose. But this wasn't it. Just like conkers and goggles and the Health and Safety Act, this wasn't it.

It was a joke

On the one hand organisations are scared that they might be infringing something and on the other hand it gives them a perfect excuse to do nothing whatsoever, and say that they can't do anything because of some law or other.

I did take the matter further. I wrote an email of complaint.

I got a reply

It said that they took data protection very seriously, and said they might allow one de[partment to talk to another department, but "that this would follow us asking relevant data protection questions and beige satisfied with the answers".

I did query what he meant by "beige" as I thought it might be a codeword or something, but the reply came back in the rather curt response:

"I apologise Mr Chalk, the word was being."

How surreal was that, then?

Coming Soon.....
Mission : Impossible 2: Access Denied

Busted!

2011-10-03T04:36:00.000-07:00

On the phone this morning to one of my favourite employment agencies. I'll alter their name is case I get sued.
Anyway I was talking to Morgan *unt Employment Agency.
I've had a lot of issues in the past with their emails that (theoretically) allow you to apply online for their vacancies.
I click a link and it just comes up "Error 404"
They tell me this is a "problem at my end"
This is odd as I've gone through the process on other computers and I get the same error.
But this is what people do. They tell you it must be "your problem". This means they don't have to do anything about them.
So I sat by the phone complaining again.
Your website doesn't work.
Really? I think you'll find it does. It must be your problem.
So this morning I explored "my problem" a bit deeper. And got very cross.
After a while of questioning the dweeb on the phone there was a pause and he said....
Well....there's not really much point in applying for those jobs anyway.
Really. Why is that.?
Well they go so quickly....and it's mostly just to raise brand awareness anyway
So that's why things that are bust aint fixed.
Sometimes it's just your perception that is faulty.
Sometimes they aren't busted at all.
Sometimes its because what appears to be a communication is simply an advertisement.
It's not any sort of communication at all.

Back to the Future

2011-07-19T06:14:00.000-07:00

I keep attending interviews in time warps.
They must be occuring in time warps because I wait centuries for a decision, don't get one, then send them a reminder message asking to let me know please, and a week later I get a letter telling me their decision.
"Industry Standard" now seems to be: If you don't get the job you don't to to know that you didn't get the job.
I'm not sure that's fair.
Meanwhile on the time travel front....I requested an application form, got an email on the 18th. July with application form attached.
Splendid.
The email asked for the completed application form to be returned by.... the 15th July.
Anyone got a Delorean?

The Omen

2011-07-17T17:13:00.000-07:00

The last time I was unemployed (spoken in the tones of: "The Day War Broke Out"..)
I had an interview with Sure Start.
Sure Start is a government funded programme to work with parents and babies.
It was based on the American Head Start programme.
Its original aim: End Child Poverty.
They planned to do this even without the intervention of Moses, God, or that guy who wears his underpants outside his tights....Ambitious.
Nobody seemed to look very hard at the results the Americans has with Head Start. As it transpired the results weren't wonderful, but Sure Start as a spin-off spinned off like a mad spinning thing
Anyway........ Sure Start needed a Male Worker on their project.
I went for the interview, and the interview consisted of:
"Oh hello, how are you?
Would you like the job?
When can you start?
You haven't murdered anyone lately have you?
No?
Excellent.
Can you start today?"
They didn't actually have a job, as such.
They had me sit on the floor where people brought babies in.
They didn't tell me what to do or anything.
Just sit there.
So I sat there.
For eight hours.
I have had various periods in my life that have been truly execrable.
Camping mainly. Trying to sleep and surf at the same time as the rain hammered through flopping failing canvas.
Or dentists. You'll just feel a slight prick. You LIE!!! Mr. Dentist!!!
But this eight hours sat on the floor being ignored and trying to look inviting/approachable/professional.
It was a long time...
It would have helped if they had told me what I was supposed to be doing, or let me see what the other "male workers" on other projects were doing , but no.
They had their Token Male Worker (me)
The government told them they had to have one and there you are.Ot there I was.
Sit over there and look paternal.
After the first day I bugged out.
I said:
Look.
You don't have a job for me.
You've got a square of carpet for me to sit on and make you look politically correct.
If you want to talk about a job, then get back to me. I'll be more than happy to make some constructive suggestions.
They never did get back to me.

To be continued....

Invasion

2011-07-09T03:23:00.000-07:00

It started with this man Harris and his "miniature electronic organs".
He commenced his evil plan one dark and lonely English evening when there was still bread and dripping for tea, Tommy Hanley's voice chuckled from that old valved radio in the corner and Auntie Macassar had called round for her usual helping of spotted dick.
Then before you know it ....what happened to the music?
It's now all electronic computerised noise.
What happened to those lovely Ladies Lesbian String Quartets that used to entertain us as they played together over our profiteroles with ersatz cream substitute in Ye Olde Englishe Tea Roomes?
Gone. Gone forever.
And now we have Mr Murdoch with his dizzy redhead sidekick. He starts small with shares in miniature electronic organs and editing the Wallamazoo Times, but before you know it he's here.
Getting his minions to eavesdrop on our mobile telephone calls like it was something out of 1984.
1984....I remember 1984....there were hot buttered postmen for tea and fruity scones delivered the telegram letting us know that young Freddy was safe and well and impersonating Adolf Hitler in Bolivia....anyway I digress....
Why is the world being taken over by Australians?
If you have been following this blog, you'll realise that our Brave New Get Back To Work Service is being run by some mad Sheila.
It all started with Rolf Harris, but pretty soon all our traditional British instruments will be replaced by miniature electronic organs and all official correspondence will commence not with "Dear Sir or Madam", but with
"G'day You Old Bugger".

Letter to Ingeus

2011-07-08T13:06:00.000-07:00

It strikes me as ironic that a company that is destined to deliver the new "Work Programme" can be so shoddy in the way it treats prospective employees.

I attended an interview with Ingeous, and got a rather unsatisfactory totally impersonal response.

Is this supposed to be Showing the New Way?

if it is, I have only this to say:

Oh dear...........

"Hello

I attended your interview.

Firstly the venue was changed, then the time of the interview was changed at very short notice.

When I arrived for the interview I was kept waiting thirty minutes without explanation.

I was then informed by mass-market email that I was unsuccessful and that nobody can give me any feedback because you are too busy.

In my view the arrangement between interviewer and interviewee is a contract:

The interviewee clears his/her diary and travels at their own expense to the interview (after taking an additional online "suitability test") in the case of Ingeus.

In return they usually get a phone call with feedback.

I believe this is "Industry Standard" or "Custom and practice", if you like.

It concerns me that Ingeus consider that an appropriate response to an "unsuccessful candidate" is a mass-market email, especially in view on the fact that Ingeus is supposed to be showing the New Way of how to help people get back into employment.

Your feedback to this message would be appreciated."

I'll let you know how I get on...... ;)

Grapes of Wrath

2011-06-28T13:08:00.000-07:00

Unemployment.
Aint it hard to do something about it.....?
Well.......NO
Last week I had three job interviews.
One of them, curiously enough for one of the agencies who will deliver the new UK Government Work Programme.
I'm sure they have some Wonderful New Ideas.
I have some too!
All three of these interviews I attended were some distance away from where I live.
Each one of them cost me about ten English pounds to get there and back.
None of them are eligible for the (discretionary) Travel to Interview scheme as run by Jobcentre Plus as they are all considered to be "within commuting distance", however they all do, naturally cost money to get there and back.
Current Jobseekers Allowance is £67.50 if you're over 25 and £53.45 if you're younger.
So let me see.....three interviews at £10 travelling to each interview would have cost me.....ooooh
Thirty quid. Just under half what I had to live on for the whole week.
If I'd been 24 (which I was once) I would have had the grand total of £13.45 to live on after attending these three interviews in a week.
Is there something wrong with this picture?
How about this for a thought:
If someone has an interview for a job, and they can prove they have an interview, and the interviewer can confirm that they attended the interview....why not pay their travelling expenses to attend it?
The alternative to them attending the interview and getting a job is ....that they remain on welfare and don't pay taxes to look after all the other people on welfare.
So why discourage people from attending interviews?
Hell, if it was up to me I'd be doing them all a packed lunch!
Here's another one:
If someone attends university and takes a degree you expect them to pay back their student loan when they get a job.
The reasoning is it makes them more employable to have a degree.
It does!
And so does a person having a driving licence and a car.
It makes them more employable!
Here we go then:

Interest free loans for people to pass their driving tests.
Interest free loans for them to purchase an approved second-hand car.

You would also stimulate the economy by creating a bigger demand for driving tuition.
You'd get people off their asses and away from their Bright House plasma TV's and into work and..... paying taxes!
I'm quite happy to donate these ideas for free, but if Her Majesty's Government could see their way to giving me a few dollars for them I might be able to attend some more interviews.....AND eat.
All in the same week!

The Big Day Cometh

2011-06-23T12:45:00.000-07:00

Well.....

Two interviews in one day. I thought a while.
Is this too much?
What would Jesus have done?
Nah. I can do this.
So I arranged for one interview in the morning and another on the afternoon.
The morning interview contacted me to say that the venue had changed.
OK. Got that. Understood.Roger wilko and out.
Just as I was going out the door the phone rang.
"Sorry, we're running late. We'll be starting an hour later than we said"
uh-oh. Problem there.
That would mean I had to travel between Newcastle and Sunderland in-er-no minutes at all.
Rang up interview number two:
Can you change the time of my interview please?
You can?
Splendid. Back on track.
Pulled up at the hotel for interview One.
Called at reception.
"Just wait in the foyer please."
OK......
Thirty minutes passed and nobody showed up.
Thirty five minutes passed and an ex-colleague showed up, also for an interview for the same job.
Forty minutes later someone from the prospective employer showed up and took us to a room with two netbooks.
"Please watch the videos and then answer the questions.You have an hour."
My video was of a twenty year old girl who attacks people and wants eventually, to be a social worker.
I've known some social workers who were just like that, so she had potential.
I had to find my imaginary client some jobs and print them out.
OK. No problem. I found about seven vacancies. I also had to do her CV.
For some reason the computer decided to split the CV into two, bisected by a job vacancy.
Every time I moved my wrist the netbook would do something random. I think my sleeve kept catching the "do something random" key.
The other computer, operated by my colleague, wouldn't print at all.:
"We've spent all morning trying to set this up...."
So we had an hour.
I printed the imaginary client's CV and seven specimen jobs for her to pursue diligently.
Then we went upstairs for the interview.
"So did you find her any jobs?"
"Oh yes" I beamed" I found her lots of jobs, only...."
"Only?"
"Well one was for an "Adult store" so I'm not sure I'd be giving it to her.
I may need to consult policy"
They looked at me from over the desk. They may have kicked each other under the table as a
"We've a right one here" sort of signal
"May I see the vacancies you found?"
"Certainly" I beamed "This is the one for the...Adult Shop"
I handed it over and looked at the next print out...."and this is the one for the....er...."Adult Shop"
I looked at the third print-out "Oh dear"
They looked at me through suspicious eyes
"Is there a problem?"
"Well it appears that all the print outs are for the same vacancy in the ....."
"Adult shop?"
"I'm afraid so. They were all different when I copied and pasted, but now they're all for...."
"An Adult Shop?"
Er yes.
They were okay with this.
I suspect something similar may have happened before, although having just written that down I find it hard to believe.
We did a role play.
The female interviewer played the manager of the shop, and I was playing Captain Kirk trying to get my client in for an interview.
I was having no luck, and suspect I should have been wearing my car salesman's sheepskin jacket and been a bit more "insistent".
The role-play ended and the lady interviewer said:
"You'll be pleased to know that's the only role-play you'll be asked to do"
I thought for a moment, looked at my seven print-outs from the same "Adult Shop" and replied
"Oh that's a shame. Especially with all these sex aids about......"
Well I thought it was funny....

Indervue!!!

2011-06-08T03:48:00.000-07:00

I continue to cast my net more widely.
I apply for a job in Essex.
I get a phone call from the prospective employer shortly afterwards.
Offering me an interview!!!
Whoopee!
I ask him to confirm details in writing before I go cap in hand to those nice Jobcentre Plus people to request a travel warrant.
This is the email the company sent me....:

"hi Graham, you have been short listed for an interview for the position of Theriputic project worker. Please look at are website for futher information about our company. Please let me know some dates that are convient for you to travel over to see us."

I see four major spelling mistakes in three lines.

The gentleman also included the web address of his company so that I might be better informed.

Which would have helped.....but...it was the wrong web address.
I'm not really nit picking am I?
If I show this email to the Jobcentre as proof that I have an interview, they'll assume I'm having a laugh.
Would it prejudice my chances of being appointed to this post if I ask my future employer to write his email out again with corrections as highlighted?

Would you like fries with that?

2011-06-01T08:15:00.000-07:00

Now then...

Before I checked my mail there was this item pinged onto the screen on Yahoo:

Yahoo Careers from Career Builder.

It was telling me "who is hiring in the UK."

Let me see.....

a hotel chain

a coffee shop

a restaurant

a car rental company

a parcel delivery firm

a chain of residential care homes

a double glazing firm

What, I wonder is the common denominator with these firms?

Is it perhaps: minimum wage?

Hang on, what about Poundland?

I'm sure Poundland are recruiting somewhere...

Time for Tea!

2011-06-01T07:58:00.000-07:00

Pass me that broken bottle, would you, mate?

I just applied for a job.

It had a curious title: " Domestic Abuse Facilitator"

Now call me old fashioned (I am, you should see my shoes) but I don't think people should be employed to facilitate abuse.

They ought to be employed to put an end to it.

Granted I'm not up to speed on the latest thinking and innovations in this field.

Speaking of innovations....the company advertising the post is called " Deter Innovations".

Now I've had quite a few jobs.

Without exception they have all done their very best to "deter innovations", but this is the first time I've seen a company enshrining that philosophy in their name.

Agency Update

I spotted a vacancy on Reeds website.

It was from Neca Recruitment .

I've mentioned them before. They have me "on their books".

They don't send me details of any vacancies or anything exotic like that, but I'm a jewel in their crown.

I'm sure of it.

Anyway...

I spotted an interesting vacancy on Reeds website. It said that Neca Recruitment had a tasty job going.

So I checked the Neca Recruitment website to find it....................nope. Not there.

I had a feeling of deja vu at this point as the same thing happened a few months back with a different "vacancy".

When I chased it at that time I was told that Craig who used to represent me at Neca was no longer with them.

I emailed Caela who was the Neca woman that told me Craig was no longer with them and said: "Wasssssssssssssssssup Caela?"

And I got the reply:

"Just to advice(sic) that Caela is no longer working for NECA and I will be your contact for the foreseeable future."
I wonder how long the "forseeable future" is over there?

Hunting Snarks

2011-05-22T13:32:00.000-07:00

Speaking of the "Big Society"
Can anyone tell me what it is?
There was a government minister on the news this morning talking about The Big Society.
It's a Very Wonderful Thing, this Big Society.
That's all anyone ever tells you.
It's very wonderful.
That's it.
It reminds me of the Hunting of the Snark, by Lewis Carroll.
An epic poem where all these random useless geezers set out to hunt a snark.
"They sought it with thimbles, they sought it with care;
They pursued it with forks and hope;
They threatened its life with a railway-share;
They charmed it with smiles and soap."

Nobody knows what The Snark looks like and nobody has ever seen it but everyone knows it's pretty damned awesome....

G'day

2011-05-22T12:46:00.000-07:00

Update: who is getting the new Work Programme contracts?
One of my ex-colleagues tells me that "Ingeus have the work programme for all the north east".
As I hadn't heard of Ingeus I naturally Googled them.
It's a multinational company owned by Thérèse Rein, the wife of the ex Prime Minister of Australia, Kevin Rudd. ".... (with) more than 70 offices in Australia, UK, France, Switzerland, Germany, Korea, Sweden and Poland, and with over 1,000 employees"
I thought HMG was moving us away from huge firms with huge bureaucracies involving themselves in the social sector and was encouraging local initiatives aka "The Big Society"?
Australia ey?
I am now saving all the corks from my wine bottles to dangle from my hat before I head off for an interview.
However as the Ingeus website says: "We are not currently recruiting but any future vacancies" I think I'll have quite some time before my corky hat project rolls out.
That proposed June launch for the Work programme is continuing to look ever-so-slightly unlikely. Cobber....
and while I'm on the subject......
As Ingeus is owned by an Australian doesn't this mean that all our tax money to pay for the running of the Work Programme is going to .....Australia?

Doctor, doctor

2011-05-18T02:02:00.000-07:00

"Doctor doctor, please
Oh, the mess I'm in..."

There is obviously a problem with time ...
The Work Programme (aka Welfare to Work,Single Work Programme) is due to go "live" "sometime in June".
Interesting.....the contracts to deliver the "Programme" have been awarded to huge cash-rich private companies.
A lot of these companies have no experience in delivering this sort of programme, so they'll need to sub-contract to organisations with the appropriate experience.
This may or not be a problem, depending on whether you think it is a Good Idea for private companies to be granted contracts to deliver a service to clients who may be vulnerable and socially challenged solely on the basis of how much that company has in the bank.
However I have to ask a few questions:
Question One:
The "Work Programme" is due to start in a few weeks, so where are the workers to deliver it?
Who is going to work with the workless clients?
I see Group 4 have won contracts to deliver the Work Programme.
Their previous expertise lies...elsewhere.
Do they propose to use their security guards to deliver the Work Programme?
I was made redundant back in January, along with most of the specialised and skilled team that I was part of. I worked in employment support.
Since my redundancy I have been looking for work, naturally in a similar field.
No such posts are being advertised anywhere.
There isn't a day that I don't look, and there are no jobs in employment support being advertised.
Given that it takes quite a while to advertise posts, contact respondents, arrange interviews, conduct interviews, contact interviewees with results, induct successful candidates in their new posts.
I have to ask...how are they going to do all this in......a couple of weeks?
I applaud any constructive changes that will happen.
The system was a mess and nobody understood it. There were/are people who were simply being warehoused as long-term invalids who could work, and it would potentially improve their mental condition by doing so.
Question Two:
Where are all these new jobs for the Newly Well going to be found?
If I can't find one, and I don't have a history of long-term sickness and I do have a history of helping people to get jobs, then what chance has someone with no recent checkable work history and a record of illness?
Question Two: What encouragement is there going to be for people who are currently on benefits to take a job on or near minimum wage? Since the slump salaries being offered for most jobs I'm looking at seem to have dropped about 15%.
Why would someone who is getting their rent and council tax paid take a job that will make them worse off?
Currently there are a lot of firms, feeling the pinch, offering jobs with hours "as and when". Currently it would be madness to take such a job with totally unpredictable hours and risk losing welfare benefits.
Question Three:
If you're going to try and introduce more flexibility into the system can we expect an improvement in the delivery and speed of welfare claims?
I think it took about eight weeks after my redundancy to get any welfare payment. If I hadn't had a (small) redundancy payment I'd have been destitute.
If someone makes a new claim after losing a job and gets no redundancy payment at all they might starve waiting for their claim to come through.
If such a delay happens when new welfare claims are made then the temptation is going to be NOT to take a job and to stay on welfare. Better the devil you know....
Question Four:
The last time I saw my Job Centre Adviser he asked me whether I had thought about "relocating" to find a job.
What encouragement is there going to be for people to look for work in other areas?
I live in an area that has traditionally been an unemployment blackspot.
Since the slump...
I have no job.
My partner has no job.
However we have grown-up children who aren't dependent so we can move if we find a job somewhere else.
In order to locate such a job firstly we will need to attend an interview in another area.
Jobcentre Plus operates a Travel to Interview scheme, where your out-of-pocket expenses will be paid if you needed to travel out of your area to attend an interview.
Sensible. If you're encouraging people to get out of the unemployment trap you can't expect them to fund a three-hundred mile rail trip. They don't make giros that big.
However if you look on the JobCentre Plus website it says:

Travel to Interview Scheme and In Work Credit

Jobcentre Plus can help you to get to your job interview ..... Find out more, including how to apply.

Important update: Travel to Interview scheme is now closed

I rang my Adviser and he said "It's not closed, it's discretionary"
Well, so it should be. It's public money. But anyone looking for information on how to get to their out of area job interview from the Jobcentre Plus website is simply told it's "closed".Not available to you,chummy. Kaput.
So they aren't going to even attempt to look for a job elsewhere.
There should be an online database, run by Jobcentre Plus that matches client's CV's with jobs in all geographical areas and informs a client when a job pops up.
There are plenty of independent companies that do this already, but most of them do it badly.
Time for someone to do it properly.
History Lesson:
Are you troubled with economic and financial problems?
Are your people suffering hardship?
Is your country going to hell in a handbasket?
Are 20% of your young people workless and are many resigned to remaining so?
You're a busy government and God understands how hard it is for you to get on top of things, that's why She invented history.
So that you could learn from it:
http://www.historylearningsite.co.uk/new_deal.htm

Just what do you think you're doing, Dave?

2011-05-15T12:23:00.000-07:00

You may remember that on 24th March : A Bigger Boat I wrote about a job which was being advertised by Hays recruitment agency.
I suggested that the job might not exist and that it was being advertised purely to pad out the Hays website and lure in unwary candidates.
I decided not to register with Hays as they insisted on yet another CRB check and I have more than enough of them already.
Anyway. I got an email from them just the other day:

Thank you for your following application(s).
Advocate, 1379823, 12/05/11,
Unfortunately you have been unsuccessful on this occasion.
Many thanks
Rachel Dobson

(I was puzzled. I hadn't actually applied for this "vacancy".
So I wrote back:)

Hi Rachel
Thanks for the message
Can you please confirm whether I am actually registered with Hays ?
Following my last conversation I thought that I wasn't registered until I had a CRB check done specifically for Hays?
Also, as this post is still "live" on your website, can you let me have some feedback as to why I wasn't successful?
Best wishes
Graham Chalk

(Please make a mental note: I asked for feedback as I "hadn't been successful")

Graham,
You are not registered as you have no Hays CRB, but your details are on our database......
Many thanks
Rachel Dobson

Team Manager

Hello Rachel
...............Could I ask again-as my application for the Advocate post was unsuccessful, may I have some feedback please?
(Please make a mental note: I asked for feedback as I "hadn't been successful")

Graham,
The role was filled and should have been suspended from the website.
Many thanks for bringing it to my attention
Regards
Rachel Dobson
Team Manager

Oh and the job I hadn't been successful in not applying for?
Guess what?
It's still live on the Hay's website....

The Day I Became a Terrorist

2011-05-13T12:29:00.000-07:00

Being as I have farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr too much time on my hands I tend to mooch about and take photographs more often than I used to.

The last time I was driving through Teesside I couldn't help but notice the post-industrial post-apocalyptic wasteland and think....hmmmmnnnnn. This would make a great photographic essay!

So today we happened to be driving through Haverton Hill, in Cleveland when we passed all these cooling towers and interestingly-shaped...stuff.

So I said "ok stop the car".

Now I know the phrase "ok stop the car" sometimes happens in these big Hollywood movies starring Denzel Washington, but they're usually outside a bank in Chicago with a carful of people carrying Glocks and wearing hosiery on their heads and not me carrying a crappy digital camera in Teesside.

Anyway...I'm walking along a public footpath beside a public highway breathing public air and I hear this voice that says

"Excuse me, can I ask why you're taking photographs?"

I turned to find a middle-aged bloke in a navy sweater standing outside a compact car.

No badges.

No ID .

No anything.

"Erm. I like taking photographs...industrial landscapes-you know?"

By the blank look on his face he didn't.

"Would you mind if I asked you for your name and address?"

I looked at him like I would look at something I find stuck to the bottom of my boot on hot summer's day.

"No"

"No, you wouldn't mind?" he attempted, speculatively

"No. I have no intention of giving you my name and address" I replied

"Oh" he said, dischuffed "Why is that then?"

I breathed in...."Well for a few reasons...one because this isn't East Germany before the wall came down, and you aren't the Stasi"

"Stasi?" he asked. "Ah" he thought. "A foreign word. he MUST be a terrorist."

"The Stasi" I explained, in a loftily condescending tone" were the East German secret police."

If I'd said the same thing to my goldfish I'd have had the same expression.

And No. I don't own a goldfish.

The goldfish was fighting for breath "Its just that we have to be on alert for terrorists"

I looked at him, probably with the look one gives a disobedient goldfish.

" I see.

Do you think if I was Taliban I would be walking around Cleveland with a camera in broad daylight?"

"...for security reasons I have to ask you....."

I looked at him.

"You know something? For generations our father's fought and died to keep this country free from this. From you"

He got in his car and drove off.

I defiantly took some more pictures (I think the lens cap was on, but hell-it's the principle) then I got back into my car.

Evening came.

I had just taken a bath and the doorbell rang.

From the voices I gathered it was an official call.

It was a police officer.

In a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE van.

Here to investigate a report of possible terrorist activity.

He was okay.

They usually are.

Individually.

I explained the situation to him, and he seemed mildly amused.

I felt offended by the "mildly" amused bit as I thought the whole thing was totally hysterical by this stage.

The PC explained: "It's just that some areas are part of the Infrastructure Hub and may be vulnerable to terrorist activity"

""and is this Haverton Hill part of the Infrastructure Hub?" I asked

He looked briefly up at me from his notes, sighed and replied: "I really couldn't say"

"..but it's a part of the infrastructure?"

"Exactly"

"But isn't there rather a lot of this "infrastructure" in the country? I mean. Isn't everywhere part of this "infrastructure?"

He shrugged in a way that only a man who wanted to get back to the station for a coffee could shrug.

He left in a polite and faintly embarrassed way.

You know the real worry to me is that this really does represent our way of locating and dealing with terrorist threats.

Citizen with a camera, broad daylight.

Let's send a cretin with no ID to ask "Terrorist" to explain himself, then divert a copper and a van from a real crime scene to investigate when he tells him to sod off.

If the Bad Guys really wanted to blow up Billingham they would find the system this stupid.

Anonymous Work Blogs

On Your Bike

2011-05-10T12:23:00.000-07:00

I got an email today from Community Care.
One of the advertised jobs was a Mental Health Support Worker in London.
The salary started at £15,000 a year.
I wonder what sort of place could you rent in London for that kind of money?

Job Advertising: things go better with coke

2011-05-09T04:08:00.000-07:00

What are these people on?
This is from a current "Home Group" advert:
"A leading provider of care and support, we aim to give outrageously brilliant service to all our 70,000 customers and clients."
How about "absolutely the dog's bollocks of a service" next time?
Don't hold back.
Trust me guys, achieving an acceptably good standard ( irrespective of arbitrary non-client focussed targets) would get my attention.

Ghosts of Christmas Past

2011-05-08T15:36:00.000-07:00

I don't want to seem eternally grumpy but.......I was just visited by The Agency Ghost of Christmas Past:
A Ranstad Care rep called me to see how things were going.
I told her:
"The last time you guys called me, the first bloke said that I was just what they were looking for.
Ten minutes passed and the next woman said she wasn't sure whether I was just what they were looking for and ten minutes after that the same woman rang me back and told me that they wouldn't ever have anything for me in this lifetime.So I'm fine thankyou. How are you?"
She said something like "umm...er....well....sorry...."
And that was it.
They've gone again.
No doubt I'll hear from them in another twelve months and have to remind them what they said to me again....about the time someone new in the office needs to meet their targets...
Then I applied for a vacancy advertised on the internet, using my CV.
It didn't look like an agency was involved at all, but the Badenoch and Clark "Recruitment Consultancy"rang me about my application so I guess one must have been lurking in the woods somewhere.
I listened to the usual spiel and tried to remain awake.
Then I said: "Look, I have four recent CRB Enhanced Disclosure checks.
Totally clear.
No issues.
I really am NOT going to pay for another one simply so that I can sign up with you guys"
There was a short pause at the other end of the phone , then he said:
"No, no. As long as you have one from withing the last ten months that will be fine"
I was puzzled.
"Are you sure? All the other agencies told me I need to get another one done if I sign up with them, as "It's the Law""
He was sure. A recent one would be fine.
Well isn't that odd.
Do I smell something fishy?
Exactly what IS the legal position here.
I mean either the law is:
A) or it is:
B)
It really can't be both*
Having said that, he did say he'd be contacting me by email to get me signed up and I've heard absolutely nothing.
And that was a week ago....

*The government have not banned portability (the use of a disclosure obtained by another organisation) but they don’t advocate it and encourage businesses to make their own checks to ensure they are up to standard and nothing has been missed.
http://www.moneymagpie.com/article/767/de-mystifying-the-crb-check-your-questions-answered/

The above is all well and good when applied to full-time contracts, but when a person is enrolling with several different agencies at about the same time it appears to make no sense whatsoever.
Unless one has shares in one of the many private companies offering to carry out " CRB Personnel Checks".

Royal Weeding Blues

2011-05-07T12:18:00.000-07:00

I have nothing against the Royals.
In fact Mrs Queen I quite like.
She hated Thatcher, apparently.
Couldn't stand the woman.
In my book that makes her okay.
The rest I'm not really sure about.
So the Royal Weeding left me somewhat meh
I mean, on the one hand you've got this dude who is probably a Lovely Person (degree in geography, so naturally gets to be a helicopter pilot) and this Kate person who runs her own business:
"Party Pieces ‘to inspire other mothers to create magical parties at home’ (don't ask for any Dragon's Den wonga for that one Katie, my girl)
At times like this I'm a bit envious of the Yanks who disposed of their (our) Royals in the eighteenth century.
Then again as president Obama has just described the assasination of Bin Laden as ; "One of the greatest ..... military operations in our nation's history," one has to doubt whether swapping a bunch of Royal Twerps for a Home Grown American Twerp is such a good deal.
I mean, the killing of the deranged Bin Laden by a bunch of well-armed special forces troops who fly in gunships over a friendly county, do the job and fly home for dinner is perhaps a Good Thing, but I doubt it was "one of the greatest ..... military operations in our nation's history"
How about D-Day.
In comparison to D-Day?
In fact in comparison to every single fucking military theatre the yanks have been involved in and shed their blood in ever how does it stand up?
I think what he meant was "one of the greatest ..... military operations in our nation's history, since yesterday".
Muppet.
I expected more of this guy. Instead we end up with a black George Bush.
The triumph of mediocrity.

News Just In !

2011-04-21T03:02:00.000-07:00

"New Work Programme Inititiatives Announced"....."People with mental illness to be helped into work"....."Lunatics to be in charge of the asylum".

The UK Government's new Work Programme will be designed to help morbidly obese people, alcoholics and drug addicts get back to work.

Great idea.

Which jobs are they gonna get then?

Can I have one of those jobs first?

Oh, and if they don't take these jobs they'll have their benefits taken away.

Great idea.

Addicts with no money.

They'll wake up in the morning and say: "Oh dear, Clarence. I have no money for drugs/booze/cream cakes. I think I'll give them up and get a job at Kentucky Fried Chicken instead."

Hang on they might steal stuff from you to get drugs/booze/cream cakes.

Like they already do. Except more often.

You may have already noticed, if you've been here before, that I was made redundant from my job in January.

My role was helping people who had returned to work after an illness to keep their jobs and stay in work.

Her Majesty's Government had decided that it was time for an overhaul of the benefits system and the associated agencies who serviced it.

Fair enough. I'll go with that.

For a start we have a prison system with a lot of drug addicts in it. People who are often in there because they kept nicking stuff to buy drugs.

Let's get them off drugs!

Instead of just managing their dependency with methadone let's go for getting them off drugs properly and turning them into non-addicts.

Oh no- we can't do that.

The medical establishment won't wear it.

Or the multinational pharaceutical comapanies who sell "safe" alternatives to smack.

Did you know that heroin was created by Heinrich Dreser when he thought it would make a really neat cough medicine.

He tried it on his workforce. They said they felt "heroic"

Hero-ic became "hero-in"

Sold as an ingredient in patent medicines it was advertised thus:

"Heroin: the Sedative for Coughs . . . order a supply from your jobber."

It's usefulness (and therefore financial viability) was explored. It was advertised as a "non-addictive replacement for morphine".

Ooops!

How similarly retarded will we seem a hundred years from now in our treatment of drug addicts?

Give 'em methadone. Hell, why not put in in cough sweets!

Anyway....

Overhauling the system...

One of the first bits of "overhauling of the system" is that agencies will be paid by results.

Sounds like a good idea.

Except....my old firm crashed and burned as it couldn't afford to deliver that way.

The only firms that CAN afford to deliver a service that way are huge organisations that can afford it.

In fact they need about £20,000,000 working capital.

That aint no small potatoes.

But HMG will pay them, potentially lots and lots of wonga for their results:

"The highest payments will be up to £14,000 for someone who had been on incapacity benefit for a number of years, then secured a job and was still in employment two years later."

Two years.

A company will have to wait two years to get paid?

I'll try that with Asda next time I get my week's shopping.

The money aspect creates an interesting situation. Some of the firms that have moved into this sector seem like odd guests at the table.

Group Four Security (Now re-badged as G4) are one of them. More often seen in the past driving convicted offenders to prison they will now be in charge of keeping them out of prison. if they fail to do that, at least they'll have a van handy.

It's pretty apparent that firms who are cash-rich are moving into offender management and the Work Programme, regardless of their track record.

Due to the gap in time between the Old Provision ending and the New Provision commencing a lot of experienced firms have now wound down and thrown their workers into a deep freeze.

I worked with some first class people with lots of experience. Now many of them, like me, are unemployed. (I'm not a drug addict yet, but give me a few more weeks and who knows?).

In short: The "old system" that tolerated and self-perpetuated people to be dependant and weak needed a radical overhaul. I had a client who had found a job and really wanted to come off the booze but he had waited five months and still hadn't got a place on a detox course.

So yes, the system and it's misleading "targets" badly needed overhauling.

But absolutely and utterly not the overhauling it's about to get.

Oh, I had another thought: Morbidly obese people not being able to work.

How about subsidising the cost of salads, fruit and vegetables and doubling the VAT rate on sugary, fatty foods?
Nope?

Didn't think so.

Products where VAT is payable
Wholly or partly chocolate coated biscuits
Gingerbread man decorated with chocolate (unless this amounts to no more than two chocolate eyes!)
Arctic Rolls
Sorbet
Chocolate bar
Nuts or fruits covered in chocolate or yogurt
Flavourings for milk shake
Potato crisps
Roasted or salted nuts without shells

...and the VAT-exempt alternatives
Chocolate chip biscuits
Jaffa cakes
Cream Gateaux
Mousse
Chocolate spread
Toffee apples
Milkshake
Tortilla or corn chips
Roasted or salted nuts supplied in shells e.g. monkey nuts, pistachios

http://www.thisismoney.co.uk/bargains-and-rip-offs/money-saving-ideas/article.html?in_article_id=506772&in_page_id=512
.....and that makes a whole heap of sense......

Dragon's Legs

2011-04-15T06:25:00.000-07:00

I Wish I was an expert at something.
Well possibly I am, but it's not as marketable as those lovely people at Dragon's Den.
They say such clever stuff.
Here's some advice from the very lovely Deborah Meaden on the BBC News website:

"I would rather get out there and be working, even if it is not in the best job in the world, than be sitting at home doing nothing."

well....yesssss.....

"Even if what you are doing isn't the perfect job it can still be a very good thing. Because not working for a long period can be dangerous."

It is Debbie, it really is. Especially since I may be tempted to saw the legs off people who patronise the recently redundant during a world-wide recession.

"It is very, very easy to get out of the habit of working, and if you have long breaks between jobs on your CV it sends a bad message to prospective employers."

This is correct.

I'm thinking of contacting my ex-employer and asking them to say in writing how very, very sorry they are for going catastrophically tits-up and thereby causing a long break in my CV.

Alternatively I could get arrested for sawing the legs off a TV pundit.

Not only would my subsequent jail term explain the" break in my CV", but I wouldn't have to worry about paying for the TV licence.

Ghost Job

2011-04-14T14:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday upon the stair

I met a job that wasn’t there

It wasn’t there again today

Oh, how I wish it'd go away

When I came home last night at three

This job was waiting there for me

But when I looked around the hall

I couldn’t see it there at all!

Go away, go away, don’t you come back any more!

Go away, go away, and please don’t slam the door

Last night I saw upon the stair

The little job just wasn’t there

It wasn’t there again today

Oh, how I wish it'd go away

(Apologies to: William Hughes Mearns (1875-1965)

Well, there I was looking on Reed Recruitment's website and there were all these jobs, which led me to Neca Recruitment, who were, apparently, offering them: " Sessional work with people with mental health needs." That'll do nicely to tide me over.

Hang on, though. Aren't I with Neca Recruitment already and didn't I just check their website. And didn't I discover none of these vancancies????

I'll take another look..................nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno. No. Nothing there.

So I sent an email to "Craig". My Link Man at Neca Recruitment. I HAVE mentioned him before.

Did you nod off?

No answer from Craig.

So I sent a generic email via the online form on the Neca website.

What's going on with these jobs that don't seem to be on your website but are being advertised by third parties as being available with you guys....and why isn't dear old Craig talking to me any more? Did we fall out?

The reply shot back:

"I have picked this up as Craig is no longer with NECA Recruitment.....
I was aware of the "sessional adverts" however they are not live vacancies, they are requests for candidates to contact us to join our register for upcoming sessional work which is why I didn’t connect them to yourself as you are already registered so they would not apply to you.

To be honest ....

....a lot of vacancies we work on do not get advertised as they are filled so quickly but anyone who is registered with us (i.e. you) would naturally be considered depending on what skills are required"
So there you have it.
From the horses mouth.
If you see a job advertised it doesn't mean it really exists.
It doesn't matter where it's advertised-it might be on the Jobcentre Plus website-you know-the site that David Cameron uses to tell us how many jobs are available and unfilled.
Because jobs are on a website it doesn't mean that they really exist.
It might mean somebody is trying to lure you into their clutches and help meet their targets and put your bum on their seats.
I think these jobs are a bit like the Loch Ness Monster.
The job/beastie possibly existed at some stage.
Perhaps the job/beastie might exist again at some future time.
But right now, at this very moment, they're probably both a figment of an overactive haggis.

Wheeeeee...... I run an agency I do!

2011-04-06T12:58:00.000-07:00

Some job specifications arrived in my email today-:
A Support Worker in the "United Kingdom".
They didn't narrow it down.
Well, after all the UK is pretty small....
Naturally the advert specified the "Person Specification":

"It is essential that you have an NVQ level 2 or 3 " (low level qualifications)

"Please note that this is a qualified position so you will need a social work degree/masters or equivalent" (high level qualifications)

It was the same job.
Two totally different sets of qualifications for the same job.
Total gibberish.
This gibberish was brought to you by "4Social Work" via Community Care.
I did write to "4Social Work" to query the above, but I don't expect a reply.

What's happening out there?
Well the dust still hasn't settled and nobody knows who is going to get employed by whom.
Usually it comes down to assortative mating: that is:
She looks like me and thinks like me so I'll give her the job.
Ever wonder why we live in such a wonderful world?
The system perpetuates itself, until it's all the same homogeneous system run by the same set of retards with a call centre in India.
Half the jobs in my old sector are now being done by Big Society volunteers, so why would a company pay for a single costly worker when they can get a dozen happy smiling faces for free?
No reason.
So they won't.

Flogging a Dead Horse, or: "Did you ever feel like you had become the citizen of a third world country and nobody had let you know?"

2011-04-01T14:50:00.000-07:00

In which the immense ineptitude and insidious incompetence of inbred institutions inevitably leads to increasing incapacity and irrelevance.

I spotted a sick horse two weeks ago.
It was wandering about the forest next to my home. Looking for a suitable spot to die.
It seems that the local "travellers" abandon sick horses here fairly regularly.
I have found four dead horses in the couple of years I've lived here.
This latest poorly horse wouldn't let me get near him.
He just had a look about him that said:
"I've had quite enough of this world, thankyou very much. I want a refund."
He wouldn't take any food from me.
The next day he was dead .
He'd collapsed near a public footpath five minutes from a built -up area.
My first contact, as a Concerned Citizen Wanting To Shift a Dead Horse was the RSPCA.
I love contacting the RSPCA.
I watched all these TV programmes and they looked great.
They should make a graphic novel and a movie about these guys. They all have super powers and everything:
"There's a dead horse here"
"How do you know it's dead"
"It's not moving"
"It might be asleep"
"It hasn't moved for a week"
"....how tall is it?"
"How tall?"
"Yes. How tall. How many hands?"
"Difficult to say. It's lying down. It's dead"
"Are you sure it's dead?"
"Yes, it's been there a week and seventeen minutes"
"So....how did it die?"
" I don't really know. It's obviously been sick"
"Sick?"
"Yes, you know-vomit"
"Oh no, sir. Horses can't vomit"
The conversation went on like this for about another week.
The horse was dead. I didn't know how tall it was. And around it's head was a pile of raspberry coloured puke.
Yes. The RSPCA superhero was right. Live horses cannot vomit.
But dead horses can. Just before they die. They can puke.
And this one was....
Dead.
So when we asked the RSPCA about this latest corpse they told us to ring the local council office and DEFRA.
We rang the local council office (Animal Welfare) from the number of the council website.
However this turned out to be the telephone number for ...Trading Standards...who eventually gave us the number of Animal Welfare..who promised to ring back, but... didn't.
I then emailed Anilmal Welfare, who then rang back and passed us onto...
Recycling and Refuse.
After a while I rang Recycling and Refuse as I hadn't heard anything.
The lady on the 'phone said "it was being dealt with but the man with the knacker's van had been on holiday but he would ring me when he got back".
By this time the horse had been there for two weeks.
It was spring by this time. The weather was lovely and sunny. And warm. Not the best conditions for keeping a dead horse fresh.
The man with the Knacker's Van did ring me back, and arranged to call out the following day which he did, accompanied by a Council Official (both nice guys, by the way).
They told us that the council had sent someone out seven times to locate the body and hadn't found it.
I asked him why they hadn't rung me and I'd have shown them where it was.
He didn't know.
Nightfall. The body is still in the trees.
It's in the middle of a forest with no access roads.
The nice men from the council haven't a clue how they are ever going to move it.
They inspected it and said
"hmmmnnnnn......this isn't good. It would have been better if we'd been here two weeks ago......oooh what's that? ......oh there are rats inside it....when we try to pick this up now it's going to come apart like a cooked chicken"
Footnote
One of the guys told me that last night a Land Rover had collided with a stray horse on a road over the local viaduct. The driver was badly hurt.
That was a Land Rover.
A Land Rover is not a small car.
If it has been a small car, the driver would possibly have been dead.
Oh, and the men From The Council also told me that, whilst pulling a cart through the main street of our local town a horse had gone crazy and demolished half-a-dozen vehicles.
The cart driver bugged out and wasn't seen again.
Horse lovers.
Doncha love 'em?

Make me an offer I can't refuse

2011-03-25T06:45:00.000-07:00

Somehow I appear to have acquired a couple of friends.
One works for a debt recovery company and one works for a loan company as a fraud investigator.
I was offered a job working for the loan company as they had a "patch" free as their previous operator had been given the push for supplying drugs to clients on his round.
I thought this showed true entrepreneurial spirit, but I think the problem wasn't the drugs so much as: If they are using their money for smack, they've none left for us.
I did try to look a little disinterested when he first mentioned the job.
I told him how much creative stuff I had to do-you know I'm writing a book and stuff.
He looked at me and his eyes glazed over as my words tumbled out.
Being currently unwaged and not exactly falling over job offers I'm hardly in a position to be picky but it seems to me that I spent most of my life working to help the people who were at the wrong end of 272% APR loans.
But why swim against the current?
No town seems complete without a few "Bright House" stores scattered about.
Come and buy a £900 42" TV all the way from sunny China.
It'll only cost you £2,200.
Poor people are losing money like they were rich people playing roulette.
Only the other week the Ministry of Defence (that's just next door to the Ministry of Sound) revealed that it was paying £20 for 65p lightbulbs.
I think I know who was supply them....
There are houses around me occupied by people who can't afford curtains but can really really need that 42" TV set. As they've no curtains I get to watch Jeremy Kyle from a quarter of a mile away totally free .
Hmmmnnn let me see.....A cruise missile costs £870,000.
So far The West (I think that's us) has fired 110 of these in Libya.
I reckon that's about....ooooh nearly £95,000,000, or, if we buy them from Bright House, £840,999,999,786.50.
And you'll need insurance in case you spill tea on them.

A Bigger Boat

2011-03-25T05:25:00.000-07:00

24th March 2011
I spied an advert for "Mental Health Advocate" which led me to yet another agency: Hays Recruitment, and sent off my CV as directed. And.... they needed yet another CRB check.
I said: well....if I get another CRB check done for you guys, what are the chances of you actually finding me a job?
I think she had heard this question before.
"Well obviously we cannot guarantee anything.....but these mentor posts are with a Really Big employer who has lots of jobs".
Well call me untrustworthy but if an agency can't promise me anything then why add to the pile of CRB's I already have?
Would I take my car to a garage that told me they"couldn't guarantee they could fix it but they'd have a look provided I gave them some money first?"
No. Probably not.
If they're that confident how about they offer to pay for the CRB and you pay them back out of your first paycheck? I'd go with that.
So I declined ...and then went to my computer and did a search for "Mental Health Advocate" posts in my area.
After all, an agency is a third party and surely a Really Big employer would look in more than one place-they would advertise with Job Centres or on their own websites. After all, everyone has a website these days. Even me.
Despite a mega Google search no trace of any such vacancies was mentioned anywhere else.
Far be it for me to suggest that agencies make up vacancies that don't really exist in order to recruit more clients and so reach their targets....
Isn't it odd: Agencies promise you the world until they get your money for their CRB check, and the worker has met his target by recruiting you, but once this is done they go *ping* and totally and completely vanish.

No Brainer

2011-03-12T13:08:00.000-08:00

Back to Work Session

12th March 2011, 3pm
At the appointed hour I was dropped off outside the Jobcentre and made my way upstairs as directed by the three-dozen doorpersons.
Four rows of chairs, the first two rows occupied. I sat between a callow youth and a lady with purple hair.
Callow youth said to man behind me: "This is taking up valuable drinking time",at which point they both joined in a chorus of "hurrrr hurrr hurrrrrr".
A young woman stood up in front of a projection screen and outlined The Obligations we had to meet to get Our Handouts.
She was alright really.
I came there quite prepared to take the piss but she was just doing her job.
The fact was that I'd been doing a job very similar to hers six weeks previously, but another fact was that she might well be sitting where I am six weeks from now.
She also outlined some of the new and forthcoming employment opportunities Coming Soon:
There's a new Kentucky Fried Chicken opening. We all rushed to apply when the session ended, thirty minutes early.
You know there is a definite role for engaging the Recently Deceased.
But this aint it.

Cake

2011-03-12T12:50:00.000-08:00

The Thankyou Buffet :11 March 2011

I parked my bike in the car park and made my way to the entrance of Top Secret HQ .

I was feeling a little apprehensive until I noticed a female member of "The Management" struggling with trays of food.

I helped her carry them upstairs, and roughly disguised, therefore as a member of the catering establishment I entered the training room, my face disguised beneath a row of egg mayonnaise sandwiches.

There were twenty people who didn't have a chair, and I made the mistake of saying this seemed very typical of my ex-organisation. This blew my cover and I was very nearly shark-food.

The Big Boss gave a little speech where he thanked everyone for their hard work, and was sorry to see them go and it had been a privilege to know them.

A Slightly Smaller Boss gave a little speech where he thanked everyone for their hard work, and was sorry to see them go and it had been a privilege to know them.

A Still More Petite Boss gave a little speech where she thanked everyone for their hard work, and was sorry to see them go and it had been a privilege to know them.

(The speeches were beginning to sound like Groundhog Day)

The Runner-Up Boss said.....that ...the Other Bosses had said everything she had planned to say.

Well that was it .

The Bosses were all very sad that it had come to this (wherever "this" was, as they didn't seem to have a clue)

Everyone ate egg mayonnaise sandwiches. I was recognised by my ex-team and hugs were exchanged.

I got ready to leave and, while I put my jacket on, asked Christine to keep hold of my helmet.

At this point everyone burst out laughing at the double-entendre.

Just like Old Times

I vanished enigmatically into the afternoon sun, a rapidly vanishing blur, engine howling into the wind.

How it Began...

2010-12-22T13:06:00.000-08:00

Though the country is wall-to-wall with people Recently Made Redundant (RMR), and more are on the way to join them, there seems to be very little written by those who have gone through, and are going through redundancy.

There is this: http://blogofredundancyblog.blogspot.com/

But as the first line is:"Oh, how quick Christians are to criticize any and all Christian leaders with whom they may disagree. As defenders of truth, it is certainly understandable and I am guilty of participating in such activity myself ...."

I don't think it counts.

It's American and they're a bit strange, some of them.

Though it does sound a bit like me when I've had a few.

Anyway, here are some of my (ongoing) experiences:

Before they kick you out they have to observe procedure.

Unless you’ve been naughty and have given them an excuse to sack you (careless you) ,then they have to give you time for a consultation process.

This means that you’ll have to meet a few times with members of your management team and someone from personnel or Human Resources.

You’ll recognise them as they’ll neither be a person nor recognisably human.

They’ll be very nice to you and it will all be very jolly.

They will ask you if you have any proposals that will save your ass.

The first time I went through this we came up with some proposals:

Work was becoming scarce for the company. My fellow workers and I shared out the days that were available.

It was either that or one of us would have to go.

This resulted in cuts in our working week and salary, but it was better than the dole queue.

But this time there was no escape.

The job I had been doing for a year was delivering a Jobcentre contract but right now, with a change of government and consequent changes in policies and benefits, the Jobcentre didn’t know which way was even vaguely up.

They had stopped offering us any new clients and so our income source was gone, and our company couldn’t afford to pay their staff.

How ironic: My job was to help people keep their jobs after they’d gone back to work after being ill. If they were laying off people who were trying to keep people in work, you knew things must be pretty desperate out there.

Oh and lesson one:

Companies frequently go through periods of restructuring and waiting for funding or new contracts.

It’s important to tell the difference between what is usual: (SNAFU) and what isn’t: (FUBAR).

I worked with an old hand who said that she’d been through this process so many times and in the end things were always okay and people panicked over nothing.

It was apparent to me from early on that things weren’t going to be okay this time, but people will tell you:

“Take it from me, I’ve been here before, you won’t lose your job”

Unless that’s written down somewhere, take that advice with a pinch of salt.

Anyway…

You’ll see it coming.

(Unless you arrive at your factory on Monday morning to locked doors, the directors (currently living in apartments in

Spain

) having unbolted everything over the weekend and sold the contents on Ebay.)

Other than that sort of catastrophic failure, employers have to stick with procedures these days otherwise someone will sue their ass off.

They’re not being nice to you as they share your grief.

They simply want to avoid going to a tribunal later and get some grief of their own.

What they’re feeling is:

Phew. I’m really glad it’s that shmuck over there and not me.

Oh, and they have to give you time off to look for another job and attend interviews.

They won’t stop giving you work to do or anything, in fact the volume of work you get to do might just jump through the roof.

Management will realise that you’re not going to be there any more and so whatever work you have left undone will be thrown onto someone else. Nobody will want this work.

Nobody knows anything about your clients except you and whatever you have written in files, and most of what people know about other people isn’t written down.

Also the bosses had realised (they realised this every month or so) that there was a lot of “dead money” tied up in old cases.

It worked like this: The Jobcentre paid the company if they could get evidence that someone had kept a job for six months, so all we had to do was send someone to get a signature from a self-employed person or an employer.

Unfortunately some of these files were years old.

Mostly if you contacted one of these ex-clients after two years they’d tell you to get lost (or something with more Anglo-Saxon words in it), but the idea kept coming back to management every few weeks anyway.

They’d open a filing cabinet and see dead money. All I would see is moths and last years Christmas decorations.

So it came to pass that the Dead Money notion came back again now and we, the grunts, wore away still more of our boot leather getting even more people to tell us to bugger off.

I suspect management think that if you’ve got a date of your redundancy, you might just be tempted to put your feet up and learn a foreign language or practice your basket weaving, so they find you some stupid tasks. Like digging through files that have mice living in them.

Lesson two:

Don’t wait for them to help you find another job.

They’ll be too busy trying to keep their own job.

Things at work will get emotionally fraught towards the end.

During the last winter at work it was obvious that things were going from bad to catastrophic.

It was a severe winter, the snow and ice were deep and simply getting into work at all was a challenge but nobody wanted to be seen to be a slacker so people came in when they shouldn’t.

One of my colleagues turned her car over and she nearly died. Her boss was most concerned for thirty minutes or so.

But when someone rang in an hour later to say that the roads where she lived were too dangerous to tackle she was told bluntly to come in anyway.

Everyone wants to be seen to be: “The last one you’d want to make redundant”.

But I think that being dead is worse that being redundant.

I wrote a spoof circular and posted it in the office. Nobody dared laugh:-

Snow

Although snow is very pretty, fluffy and decorative it is also horribly dangerous and inconvenient, so, for your welfare, we have provided the following helpful guidelines to get you through this winter:

Attacks by polar bears or wolves:

If attacked by fierce arctic animals whilst on company business we recommend that you run away very quickly (in the direction of the nearest company office)

Take care not to allow any of the aforementioned animals to enter the building, (unless they have first signed in and have been allocated the appropriate visitor’s badge.)

If you cannot run to your designated office then find the nearest base and run to that one. We cannot afford to lose time simply because you have been careless enough to be chased or savagely mauled by wild beasts.

Accidents: Having an accident is a great tragedy and we are very concerned that you avoid these.

We suggest therefore that you stay off the roads and sleep in the office. We have everything here that you need, we are very nice, loving people and you can always claim any time back, which you can access after your redundancy period.

Don’t ring into the office to say that you’ve had an accident and will be late.

Road accidents, especially at high speeds take place in a fraction of a second. Therefore you shouldn’t be very late should you?

Health and Safety Guidelines

Following your accident have a good look around for a few moments

Do you have the same number of arms as you had before?
Do you have the same number of legs as you had before?
Is your head pointing in the same direction as it was before? (Look down-if you see your feet you’re ok-if you can see your arse you may have a problem.)
You may have to locate any missing limbs for future surgical re-attachment to your body. (Note: Any hospital time should be taken at weekends or using any available TOIL.)

You may ring into the office to let them know that you will be late in the following circumstances:

1. until you have fashioned some snow shoes from tennis rackets and walked back to work

2. until you have acquired enough stray dogs to haul your Wilko sledge back to work

3. From the remnants of your own, and other crashed vehicles you have built a small aircraft and flown the required distance to your office.

Frostbite:

The loss of fingers is to be avoided at all costs. You cannot enter anything on a database unless you have one or two fingers left, so think ahead and try not to compromise your efficiency. Noses may be sacrificed unless you’re required for publicity photos or you wear glasses.

In the event of you dying of hypothermia please let us know in advance that you are feeling tired and are about to lie down in a blizzard and go to sleep.

In order to conform to current traceability procedures you’ll need to tell us exactly which mound of snow you’re under so that when the spring thaw arrives we can retrieve any confidential items from you frozen body.

Information governance should not be taken lightly, even during an icy death.

Dsc/sno/22/12/10

Soon we were all summoned to head office where the ashen-faced Director addressed his troops:

“Thank you for your loyalty in the past but you should all try and leave the bunker as soon as possible as the Russians are in the woods”.

Well I think he said something like that.

The days passed. I had been given my redundancy date.

The day of my departure came.

Redundancy time.

At this time it’s very awkward at work and your workmates won’t know what to do.

It’s not like you’re retiring or going to another job.

As long as you’re there, serving out your redundancy period, you’ll be a reminder to them that they might be next, so you’ll be as popular as Banquo’s ghost wandering about with herpes and a machine gun.

None of my team had managed to find other jobs (but we had learned Hungarian and woven some neat baskets).

They bought us acres and acres of cakes for a farewell binge.

My fellow victim was on a diet and I didn’t much feel like eating.

On the other hand my boss was a lady of stout proportions and a prodigious appetite so there was some sort of method to it all I suppose.

And then we left.

After you leave work you’ll probably find your office people treat you like your wife died and that you might have killed her somehow.

You’ll not hear anything from them ever again and they’ll probably cross the street and leap into a wheelie bin if they spot you.

I did have them down as Facebook buddies but after I kept seeing their grinning faces out partying with the boss I kind of unbefriended them.

Lesson three: It’s important, if you want to keep your job, to get bladdered with the boss and plaster your grinning mugs all over Facebook in celebration of your friendship.

I never did that and, with hindsight that might have been a mistake.

Trying the Agencies

As the usual vacancies had dried up due to cutbacks I decided to try some employment agencies.

A word about Employment Agencies: horse-puckey.

I can’t really speak about how agencies work in more normal times, but in my experience, during a recession they are worse than useless.

I suppose it isn’t surprising. Employers won’t have too much trouble finding staff to fill posts when there are so many people out of work.

They aren’t likely to need an agency to fill a job now. Also they can post their vacancies on the internet and bypass any third party costs.

I’m registered with three agencies.

In the line of work that I do you need a “CRB check”.

CRB stands for Criminal Records Bureau-a CRB check informs an employer about the criminal background of a potential employee-whether they have been convicted of a criminal offence, or cautioned.

Unfortunately you need to have a new CRB done every time you get a new job or sign up with a new agency. It currently costs about £40 each time and if you register with several agencies it can run into money.

It can run into your money, as they’ll usually insist that you pay.

Historical Note: There was supposed to be something brought in to replace the CRB.

I was to be run by a new agency, the ISA.

The Independent Safeguarding Authority check was going to be valid for life. You paid £70 and that was it.

However having set up the computer systems and hired the staff (I think I even applied for a job with them) they found that they’d used up all their budget and they didn’t have any money left to run the project, so it was disbanded.

I think I was told: We had enough cash to input the data but no money was left to output the data.

You couldn’t make it up.

Unless you were Lewis Carroll.

Strike one!

The first agency I registered with was Neca Recruitment. They contacted me out of the blue the previous summer. They were very keen on having me on their books and wanted me to come and sign up with them at once. They even paid for my CRB, which is pretty unprecedented and very nice of them. I was flattered.

It seemed like I was being head-hunted.

They were very positive and full of assurances that they would be able to find me something tasty, very soon. I hadn’t started my redundancy consultation at this stage so I thought this was great timing.

Unfortunately NECA Recruitment was a new business and it was in trouble from day one.

They had started just before the recession started and all their cash flow and business planning was now out of the window.

As I sat in my office awaiting redundancy I heard my boss talking to someone. I could only hear one side of the conversation but I knew who was ringing her:

It was Craig from Neca recruitment asking if she had any vacancies.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

I had been to see this guy a few weeks before and told him they were laying off staff, but he was so desperate he rang anyway. I guess he was looking to keep his job now…

Neca’s website currently carries a scant half–dozen vacancies and three of those posts are voluntary.

Strike two! :

Morgan Hunt- This agency is based in Newcastle and they have a swish office on the quayside.

I registered with these guys for the first time about a year ago.

I was interviewed and they took my money for a CRB. They weren’t happy to take real folding cash and really, really wanted a cheque.

My bank doesn’t issue cheques anymore, so I only had cash or plastic. They weren’t happy and the girl looked at my banknotes like I’d just wiped my bottom with them. Hey ho.

I heard nothing for several weeks. I checked their website but there were no relevant vacancies listed in my region.

I emailed them to query this and they replied:

“We very rarely have vacancies in your field.”

Well…. I thought…. Isn’t that just dandy.

Perhaps they could have told me that before I paid for a new CRB through them?

I checked back with them two months ago, when my redundancy notice arrived, to be told that things had changed and they were now much more proactive and were hopeful about being able to offer me something.

And I’m still waiting to hear from them.

And I’m also checking out their website for vacancies.

And their website….while I’m on the subject….why on earth would they use a small pale green font on a white background?

Which species can see that? Cheetahs?

How about using a white font on a white background? That would be a proper challenge.

The third agency I tried was called Reeds, and they appeared to know what they were doing.

They kept me in their office for two hours and did offer me some sensible advice about my CV, which I adopted.

However they did say that they really couldn’t guarantee that they could find me any work.

That would be the third CRB check I needed for the third agency. I already had a CRB from work which made four.

£160 worth of wastepaper.

I declined their offer to sign up with them.

If they can’t be confident that they can find me any work, what makes them an improvement over the others I had already signed up with?

So that was:-Strike three!

Oh, and there was Ranstad care. I nearly forgot.

I had previously joined one of the companies that had amalgamated into Ranstad so I thought I’d try them next.

There were veritable whoops of joy when I first rang them. I spoke to a bloke.

He asked me what I’d done for a living, what qualifications I had.

Oh yes, I was just the sort of person they were looking for, and someone from my local office would call me.

Ten minutes later there was a woman on the phone to me saying….

“mmmmm I’m not sure but I’ll ring you back with a time to come in for an interview.”

Ten minutes and again she rings me.

“…well…having looked at your CV….we haven’t got anything in for you. At all.”

“Oh dear, and when might that change”

“Never”

“Never?”

“No, never”

“How come? The previous guy seemed very positive”

“Yes, but we mainly have vacancies for support work”

“Oh. That’s what I’ve done most of my life”

“Yes but we mainly have vacancies for Support Workers”

I look at the phone; wondering if has been magically transformed into a banana.

“But that’s what I do”

“Yes but we don’t have vacancies for the sort of support work that you do”

I think I worked out at this stage that they had vacancies for people who worked in care homes for the elderly and nothing else. Not that you’d think that after browsing their website. And not that she was about to tell me that

Ho hum:

Strike Four!

The Jobcentre.

Make friends with your Jobcentre. Find out where it is. You’ll need to.

Previously I had entered lots of Jobcentres to interview clients. I had an ID badge and a briefcase and everything.

Now I would be seeing things from the other side of the desk.

I stepped over the huddled bodies shooting up in the foyer, slithered past the phalanx of dodgy-looking security men and finally made it to one of the advisers.

Did I say one adviser?

On my last trip I got to meet four advisers.

They were all crammed into a very small side office with me and my partner.

The Jobcentre staff were being nice to us as they had managed to monumentally screw up our claim so badly that it had now been seven weeks since I had registered as out of work and we had received no payments of any kind.

Even the security man on the door said:

“Oh you’re the guy with the messed-up payments”. I was famous.

Eventually I was left with one mature lady adviser who went through the Induction for the Wageless procedure.

At one point I tried to be helpful and say:

“Well I know how bad it is to find work so I might take a course in something that might improve my chances”

At which point Mature Lady Adviser (MLA) took a sharp intake of breath and said:

“Well if you do that it may result in you being disallowed benefit entitlement.”

It was obviously a line she had delivered many, many times.

She didn’t say: “Oh what a good idea, here are some phone numbers that might help you, BUT if you take a fulltime course you might not be entitled to be considered unemployed, but then you can then do this, this and this”

The whole process seems geared to keep people out of work… forever.

The way I’m looking at it right now-I’ve plenty of time to get those things done that I didn’t have time to do before. When you’re working you’re on a treadmill that never stops you don’t have time to look at your life and change it.

People can work their entire lives at something that doesn’t help them to self-actualise, but because they’re hooked into the wage-based lifecycle then they can never stop.

But sometimes you need to stop, and right now I have. For now.

Somebody once said that today is the day you worried about yesterday.

Well, I’m at that day right now. I think you’ll survive.

And I know I will.

1 March 2011: Foraging Εxpedition

Ok-so now you cut your costs.

No more shopping at M&S for you, unless you know where they have the skip where they dump their food.

About 8.3 million tonnes of food is wasted every year, so let's do our bit to sort out the planet.

If you live in an affluent area then you're out of luck, but I don't so we have "supermarkets" and we have "frugalmarkets".

Frugalmarkets are staffed by people who couldn't pass the Asda/Walmart entrance tests.

But who, apart from a space shuttle pilot, could pass those anyway?
You know, the last time I was in Asda they were employing their assistants to hold up large cardboard fingers to point customers to checkouts that were free.
How random is that?

Hey Mr. Walmart: How about having a light that would do that instead, then the assistants could-er- "assist" people?

Sorry I got sidetracked.....so anyway we have , within a seven mile radius of me, two frugalmarkets.

Here you can find cabinets full of frozen...erm...what is this stuff, Miss?

"It's fish"

"Oh, ok...what sort of fish?"

"Does it not say on the label?"

"Hang on, sorry yes it does......Excuse me?.....Hello?.....What's a 'torsk'"

It's "cod". In Norwegian.Obviously.
I don't know how so many random items from so many different exotic locations ended up in a dodgy shop down a backstreet in Shildon, but you can end up with things that were never, ever meant to be sold here in the UK.
The downside is that a lot of these things are just weird and are actually in date, which takes half the fun out of it.

As you go out the door there are baskets of random items, all for 10p, all way out of their sell-by dates.

Oh I love sell-by dates, don't you?

All those politicians getting manufacturers to stamp useless bits of information all over food items.

The sell-by date was introduced by Marks and Spencer in the 1970's, until then people were dying in their millions, writhing in agony clutching festering plum duff....?

Well here's a statistic for ya:

Between 1982 and 1996 UK food poisoning notifications rose from 14,000 to 83,000.

You know why that is?

People stopped smelling and inspecting their food and they started to read sell-by dates instead.

Learned helplessness. Doncha love it?

Anyway. Last time I shopped at the frugalmarket I got two full bags of shopping for six English pounds. What a pity they don't sell petrol.

Oh they did sell "Knabber-Gebackstangen" though.
I like to have at least one mystery item in my bag each time. It keeps life entertaining in the Slough of Despond I currently find myself in.

Mystery Product of the Week: "Knabber-Gebackstangen"

Try finding a packet of these in your local M&S then.
(It's a stick covered in chocolate and muesli. Not a real stick, obviously. I aint that desperate yet.)

3 March 2011: The Invitation

I come in and check my ansaphone.

There is a message from my ex boss to invite me to a buffet to thank me” for all the hard work I did while I was there”.

Odd, I thought:

They just gave me the push and they’re asking me to tea?

They think I did any hard work? I can’t remember that.

I asked two chums who got the push at the same time.

Well one got the push with me; the other was on maternity leave and doesn’t even know if she has a job to go back to

“Stay away” was their best suggestion.

Then I rang someone still working there and she said:

“Yes. We all think the party is an odd idea, too: we’re all waiting to hear when we’ll be made redundant and we’re invited to tea and buns”

Then she added: “You should go. The boss really likes you”

So I’ll go.

For devilment.

And to watch the manager eat some more of my cakes.

I miss that.

7 March 2011: The Signing On
Didn't look forward to this day at all. I wasn't much company being stressed out leading up to 4.00pm. My signing On Time.
Dutifully I made my way to the Jobcentre office. One particularly loopy Adviser had been pointed out to me as a sarcastic patronising cu*nt.
Naturally enough he was the one I got.
He smiled a lot and stuttered, if anything he seemed a little bit deferential.
I suspect that his wife beat him up and his dog pissed in his shoes.
Anyway, I had performed the tasks required of me to obtain my "Jobseeker's Allowance":
I had listened to his stammering speech, delivered so frequently he probably mouthed it in his sleep, I had filled in the little form that tells him how many jobs I've applied for that week, and I smiled at him to encourage him to chill a little.
And then he handed me a letter that said that I had to attend a "Back to Work" session this weekend.
Although my benefit payments were so comprehensively cocked up so that I didn't get any money at all until last week, they now regard me as a veteran with 6-9 weeks of sponging behind my belt.
So now I will get to sit with eighteen other "candidates" in a sweaty room to allow my adviser to: "Help me plan my activities and actions to find work".
I think this sounds like fun. Do we have to bring our own crayons?
Never fear, I shall keep you posted.