Back to the Future

I keep attending interviews in time warps.
They must be occuring in time warps because I wait centuries for a decision, don't get one, then send them a reminder message asking to let me know please, and a week later I get a letter telling me their decision.
"Industry Standard" now seems to be:  If you don't get the job you don't to to know that you didn't get the job.
I'm not sure that's fair.
Meanwhile on the time travel front....I requested an application form, got an email on the 18th. July with application form attached.
Splendid.
The email asked for the completed application form to be returned by.... the 15th July.
Anyone got a Delorean?

The Omen

The last time I was unemployed (spoken in the tones of: "The Day War Broke Out"..)
I had an interview with Sure Start.
Sure Start is a government funded programme to work with parents and babies.
It was based on  the American Head Start programme.
Its original aim: End Child Poverty.
They planned to do this even without the intervention of Moses, God, or that guy who wears his underpants outside his tights....Ambitious.
Nobody seemed to look very hard at the results the Americans has with Head Start. As it transpired the results weren't wonderful, but Sure Start as a spin-off spinned off like a mad spinning thing
Anyway........ Sure Start needed a Male Worker on their project.
I went for the interview, and the interview consisted of:
"Oh hello, how are you?
Would you like the job?
When can you start?
You haven't murdered anyone lately have you?
No?
Excellent.
Can you start today?"
They didn't actually have a job, as such.
They had me sit on the floor where people brought babies in.
They didn't tell me what to do or anything.
Just sit there.
So I sat there.
For eight hours.
I have had various periods in my life that have been truly execrable.
Camping mainly. Trying to sleep and surf at the same time as the rain hammered through flopping failing canvas.
Or dentists. You'll just feel a slight prick. You LIE!!! Mr. Dentist!!!
But this eight hours sat on the floor being ignored and trying to look inviting/approachable/professional.
It was a long time...
It would have helped if they had told me what I was supposed to be doing, or let me see what the other "male workers" on other projects were doing , but no.
They had their Token Male Worker (me)
The government told them they had to have one and there you are.Ot there I was.
Sit over there and look paternal.
After the first day I bugged out.
I said:
Look.
You don't have a job for me.
You've got a square of carpet for me to sit on and make you look politically correct.
If you want to talk about a job, then get back to me. I'll be more than happy to make some constructive suggestions.
They never did get back to me.

To be continued....

Invasion

It started with this man Harris and his "miniature electronic organs".
He commenced his evil plan one dark and lonely English evening when there was still bread and dripping  for tea, Tommy Hanley's voice chuckled from that old valved radio in the corner and Auntie Macassar had called round for her usual helping of  spotted dick.
Then before you know it ....what happened to the music?
It's now all electronic computerised noise.
What happened to those lovely Ladies Lesbian String Quartets that used to entertain us as they played together over our profiteroles with ersatz cream substitute in Ye Olde Englishe Tea Roomes?
Gone. Gone forever.
And now we have Mr Murdoch with his dizzy redhead sidekick. He starts small with shares in miniature electronic organs and editing the Wallamazoo Times, but before you know it he's here.
Getting his minions to eavesdrop on our mobile telephone calls like it was something out of 1984.
1984....I remember 1984....there were hot buttered postmen for tea and fruity scones delivered the telegram letting us know that young Freddy was safe and well and impersonating Adolf Hitler in Bolivia....anyway I digress....
Why is the world being taken over by Australians?
If you have been following this blog, you'll realise that our Brave New Get Back To Work Service is being run by some mad Sheila.
It all started with Rolf Harris, but pretty soon all our traditional British instruments will be replaced by miniature electronic organs and all official correspondence will commence not with "Dear Sir or Madam", but with
"G'day You Old Bugger".

Letter to Ingeus

It strikes me as ironic that a company that is destined to deliver the new "Work Programme" can be so shoddy in the way it treats prospective employees.

I attended an interview with Ingeous, and got a rather unsatisfactory totally impersonal response.

Is this supposed to be Showing the New Way?

if it is, I have only this to say:

Oh dear...........

"Hello

I attended your interview.

Firstly the venue was changed, then the time of the interview was changed at very short notice.

When I arrived for the interview I was kept waiting thirty minutes without explanation.

I was then informed by mass-market email that I was unsuccessful and that nobody can give me any feedback because you are too busy.

In my view the arrangement between interviewer and interviewee is a contract:

The interviewee clears his/her diary and travels at their own expense to the interview (after taking an additional online "suitability test") in the case of Ingeus.

In return they usually get a phone call with feedback.

I believe this is "Industry Standard" or "Custom and practice", if you like.

It concerns me that Ingeus consider that an appropriate response to an "unsuccessful candidate" is a mass-market email, especially in view on the fact that Ingeus is supposed to be showing the New Way of how to help people get back into employment.

Your feedback to this message would be appreciated."

I'll let you know how I get on...... ;)

Grapes of Wrath

Unemployment.
Aint it hard to do something about it.....?
Well.......NO
Last week I had three job interviews.
One of them, curiously enough for one of the agencies who will deliver the new UK Government Work Programme.
I'm sure they have some Wonderful New Ideas.
I have some too!
All three of these interviews I attended were some distance away from where I live.
Each one of them cost me about ten English pounds to get there and back.
None of them are eligible for the (discretionary) Travel to Interview scheme as run by Jobcentre Plus as they are all considered to be "within commuting distance", however they all do, naturally cost money to get there and back.
Current Jobseekers Allowance is £67.50 if you're over 25 and £53.45 if you're younger.
So let me see.....three interviews at £10 travelling to each interview  would have cost me.....ooooh
Thirty quid. Just under half what I had to live on for the whole week.
If I'd been 24 (which I was once) I would have had the grand total of £13.45 to live on after attending these three interviews in a week.
Is there something wrong with this picture?
How about this for a thought:
If someone has an interview for a job, and they can prove they have an interview, and the interviewer can confirm that they attended the interview....why not pay their travelling expenses to attend it?
The alternative to them attending the interview and getting a job is ....that they remain on welfare and don't pay taxes to look after all the other people on welfare.
So why discourage people from attending interviews?
Hell, if it was up to me I'd be doing them all a packed lunch!
Here's another one:
If someone attends university and takes a degree you expect them to pay back their student loan when they get a job.
The reasoning is it makes them more employable to have a degree.
It does!
And so does a person having a driving licence and a car.
It makes them more employable!
Here we go then:

1. Interest free loans for people to pass their driving tests.
2. Interest free loans for them to purchase an approved  second-hand car.

You would also stimulate the economy by creating a bigger demand for driving tuition.
You'd get people off their asses and away from their Bright House plasma TV's and into work and..... paying taxes!
I'm quite happy to donate these ideas for free, but if Her Majesty's Government could see their way to giving me a few dollars for them I might be able to attend some more interviews.....AND eat.
All in the same week!

The Big Day Cometh

Well.....

Two interviews in one day. I thought a while. 
Is this too much?
What would Jesus have done?
Nah. I can do this.
So I arranged for one interview in the morning and another on the afternoon.
The morning interview contacted me to say that the venue had changed.
OK. Got that. Understood.Roger wilko and out.
Just as I was going out the door the phone rang.
"Sorry, we're running late. We'll be starting an hour later than we said"
uh-oh. Problem there.
That would mean I had to travel between Newcastle and Sunderland in-er-no minutes at all.
Rang up interview number two:
Can you change the time of my interview please?
You can?
Splendid. Back on track.
Pulled up at the hotel for interview One.
Called at reception.
"Just wait in the foyer please."
OK......
Thirty minutes passed and nobody showed up.
Thirty five minutes passed and an ex-colleague showed up, also for an interview for the same job.
Forty minutes later someone from the prospective employer showed up and took us to a room with two netbooks.
"Please watch the videos and then answer the questions.You have an hour."
My video was of a twenty year old girl who attacks people and wants eventually, to be a social worker.
I've known some social workers who were just like that, so she had potential.
I had to find my imaginary client some jobs and print them out.
OK. No problem. I found about seven vacancies. I also had to do her CV.
For some reason the computer decided to split the CV into two, bisected by a job vacancy.
Every time I moved my wrist the netbook would do something random. I think my sleeve kept catching the "do something random" key.
The other computer, operated by my colleague, wouldn't print at all.:
"We've spent all morning trying to set this up...."
So we had an hour.
I printed the imaginary client's CV and seven specimen jobs for her to pursue diligently.
Then we went upstairs for the interview.
"So did you find her any jobs?"
"Oh yes" I beamed" I found her lots of jobs, only...."
"Only?"
"Well one was for an "Adult store" so I'm not sure I'd be giving it to her.
I may need to consult policy"
They looked at me from over the desk. They may have kicked each other under the table as a
"We've a right one here" sort of signal
"May I see the vacancies you found?"
"Certainly" I beamed "This is the one for the...Adult Shop"
I handed it over and looked at the next print out...."and this is the one for the....er...."Adult Shop"
I looked at the third print-out "Oh dear"
They looked at me through suspicious eyes
"Is there a problem?"
"Well it appears that all the print outs are for the same vacancy in the ....."
"Adult shop?"
"I'm afraid so. They were all different when I copied and pasted, but now they're all for...."
"An Adult Shop?"
Er yes.
They were okay with this.
I suspect something similar may have happened before, although having just written that down I find it hard to believe.
We did a role play.
The female interviewer played the manager of the shop, and I was playing Captain Kirk trying to get my client in for an interview.
I was having no luck, and suspect I should have been wearing my car salesman's sheepskin jacket and been a bit more "insistent".
The role-play ended and the lady interviewer said:
"You'll be pleased to know that's the only role-play you'll be asked to do"
I thought for a moment, looked at my seven print-outs from the same "Adult Shop" and replied
"Oh that's a shame. Especially with all these sex aids about......"
Well I thought it was funny....

Indervue!!!

I continue to cast my net more widely.
I apply for a job in Essex.
I get a phone call from the prospective employer shortly afterwards.
Offering me an interview!!!
Whoopee!
I ask him to confirm details in writing before I go cap in hand to those nice Jobcentre Plus people to request a travel warrant.
This is the email the company sent me....:

"hi Graham, you have been short listed for an interview for the position of Theriputic project worker. Please look at are website for futher information about our company. Please let me know some dates that are convient for you to travel over to see us."

I see four major spelling mistakes in three lines.

The gentleman also included the web address of his company so that I might be better informed.

Which would have helped.....but...it was the wrong web address.
I'm not really nit picking am I?
If I show this email to the Jobcentre as proof that I have an interview, they'll assume I'm having a laugh.
Would it prejudice my chances of being appointed to this post if I ask my future employer to write his email out again with corrections as highlighted?