Malice in Pikeyland

 This morning whilst working the dogs I discovered the following items:-

  An abandoned three litre bottle of white cider. It was still 1/3 (33% or 600 units) full.

I think this must be a reaction to HMG's new guidance on drinking.  

The owner probably realised they had exceeded their units for that particular day. How very responsible of them.

Then I found that the quality of the air, being so full of fog that transformed Earth's atmosphere into that of Venus, meant that sound was carrying for miles . It was like walking in a bell-jar. I heard clear conversations from invisible people who may well have been in the next county.

As I continued along the forest path, suddenly I saw :

Two figures strolling towards me in the distance.

As the gap between us closed one of them looked at me and asked

 "Where are the baths?".

Both chaps were fairly dishevelled and of Jamaican descent, the one who spoke had  a pronounced  accent.

I do not live in a cosmopolitan area.

The only people around here who aren't white are those who don't wash because their baths are full of mephedrone.

So, a strange fog indeed was present this morning , materialising as it did cider, disembodied voices and hopelessly lost Jamaicans.

Austin Powers IV: Octopuppys

We all troupe in, looking a bit confused - having eventually found the place-despite the fact that the invitation to interview came with no directions, and according to Google and the satnav this road doesn't  exist.

How very mysterious....

There appears to be this delusion amongst some employers: "We know where we are therefore everyone else will"

Of course it might have simply been part of the interview:

"Client displays initiative:  He found us."

So we go into a sparkling new building (someone has some funding, chaps!)

A "Service User" appears at our table.

He has been, at various times, a "client", a "customer" and according to some  a "useless tosser" but today he's a "service user".

He's a nice lad is Brian. His arms are decorated with so many pictures you wouldn't need a tv set, you'd just sit back with a beer on an evening and read his limbs.

He has alcohol issues, and has been homeless and is very grateful to have a roof over his head.

So, I enquire, by way of conversation "Have you done this before. Helping new job applicants?"

He looks back, furtively

"No. Never. I was only told this morning I'd be doing it"

Brian later tells me that he didn't sleep well the night before.

Thinking it might be because of this new task I ask him why he couldn't sleep

"Oh" he says "I'm going to gaol tomorrow"

I didn't laugh out loud as it would have seemed insensitive.

But let's see...

You're having a batch of disorientated applicants today. Who do you ask to look after them?

"How about this guy. He's never done it before and he's getting banged up tomorrow, let's get him to do it"

Anyway....

The first part of the day:

Q- "In front of you are some pictures of animals. Choose one that represents you."

I look the cards.

It's like Happy Families.

Lovely. I choose a rather attractive muticoloured insect

A- "Look at me, I'm a butterfly flitting from sunbeam to sunbeam in search of yummy pollen wheeeeeeee!"

Everyone looks at me like I am a service user with alcohol issues getting banged up tomorrow.

The candidate opposite me has chosen a rhinoceros. She holds up the card for all to see.

 She is rather young and not at all unattractive.

I wouldn't personally have chosen the blouse she  was wearing for an interview.

It doesn't look like a rhinoceros as much as two small lively puppies fighting in a sack

She looks at me as one would look at a rather naughty poodle.

"I" she begins in a haughty tone "Have chosen a rhinoceros. Is anyone going to ask me why I have chosen this card?"

An idea leaps into my head like a pea popping from a pod.

I know I shouldn't but I just can't say no.

I put up my hand.

She glowers at me , then with some indulgence she says

"So why do you think I am a rhinoceros?" 

I look at her puppies and reply.

"Is it because I make you horrrrny baby?"

 I fear she hasn't got the Austin Powers link so I continue (perhaps unadvisedly)

"Do I make you horny?

Do I?

Do I?"

There is a pause when nobody laughs and magically, out of nowhere a tumbleweed is seen to roll listlessly down the aisle.

The rhino tuts. The tut echoes forever.

"That is the wrong answer" she replies "I am a rhinoceros as I have a very thick skin"

I may have got the job.

Or I may not.

I shall keep you posted.

In the meantime I spotted a lovely dandelion over there.

Must flit.

Toodle-oooh