The Waiting Room

So my last two interviews .....
One was for a mental health charity. I was asked to wait in the front room of a converted terraced house in Darlington.
In the room were two abandoned service users, covered in cobwebs and staring into space, some Christmas decorations left over from the Boer war and a tree that was the size and appearance of an unpleasant fungal growth.
I don't know if this was some sort of test and I was supposed to organise a singalong with the room's occupants-if it was, I'm sorry-I failed.
I think the interview went okay, but they still haven't told me the result, which I'm assuming means I didn't get it.
Would be nice to be told , though.
They did the same on the last interview I attended with this company.
Not a word.
Not a "Thanks for showing up and missing Jeremy Kyle". Nada.
Thing is that they were interviewing candidates from three days...and there was only one job.
I hate that kind of maths.
But then there's the other kind of maths.
My next interview was at a local City Council.
It was being handled by an employment agency. mmmm lovely. I love agencies.
But I applied and got my interview
I'm not sure exactly what was going on here but it was quite intrigued.
Instead of one job and three days worth of candidates there were twenty-six jobs that needed filling by next week.
It was one sort of job (do everything and do it yesterday) and all sorts of clients.
From Alzheimer's to Autism.
And some that didn't start with the letter "A"
Again, I think it went fine.
I gave them a rundown of my "professional" life, which is now quite broad and varied. I steered through the dangerous rocks of various questions, for example:
Client-centred approaches.
It's weird but although people are happy to see that twenty years ago the job they are doing wasn't client centred and now it is more client centred, they always seem a bit prickly about the thought that in twenty years time their approach will seem like they're those guys with pointy hats from the Spanish Inquisition.
It's the way life is.
Things change. All the time.
But I didn't say that.
I said that "I'd known bad times in work practice environments, but now times were great and everyone was really scrummy."
Then the time came for me to ask if I had any questions.
 I couldn't help but pop one in, as it were:
"How come you need twenty-six workers by next week?"
She seemed a little furtive."....errrm....We're not allowed to recruit any staff through normal channels.
There's no funding.
So we have to fill these posts somehow.
So we're hiring people for four months through an agency."
I couldn't help but wonder what sort of economic miracle she was expecting to occur by March 2012 that would release all this funding. All the forecasts I've seen suggest this year is bad and next year will be worse.
So I looked at her sympathetically and said
"Twenty-six people to start next week?....I'm glad I've not got your job"
She looked at me with horror, shot a defensive look to her colleague and replied:
"I love my job".
So I guess in the end I said  the wrong thing anyway....

Ah Mr. Jones, Please Take a Seat...

So anyway At my last interview I was asked a question that took me a little aback
No, it wasn't "Are you wearing fishnet tights under that suit?"
That would have been sexual harassment (and also a spookily good guess)
The question was:
 "Has any manager or supervisor ever had cause to question your practice ?"
Now I'm used to the bit about criminal convictions:
"Have you a criminal record?"
I usually answer:
"Well I've got "Abba's Greatest Hits". Does that count?
Brings the house down.
Or you'll get:
"Have you ever had disciplinary proceedings brought against you?"
But not:
"Has a manager ever given you grief about anything you've done"
The real answer I should have given would have been something like:
"Look. I've worked with vulnerable people since 1986.
I've seen some changes.
When I started my professional career I worked in an old fashioned asylum where some staff would beat up the patients. I didn't like it, I said so and I got into bother.
I worked with young people before the Children Act was passed.
When The Management rule was :
"Ask the child, tell the child then make the child"
I didn't like that.
It got me into bother.
I've worked with some pretty unprofessional, non-client centred and sometimes hysterically illegal  outfits.
I've worked with people who did illegal things routinely.
Condoned by The Management.
So if you're asking me to provide an honest answer in this little interview room that doesn't make me sound like an egotistical paranoid nutter then I'll say:
"Nope. Nobody ever questioned what I did. Not ever"

You what now....?

Mrs. Newt rang me : I hadn't got the job.

"Oh well, thanks for letting me know...."

"Would you like some feedback?"

"Yes, sure"

"Well you knew your stuff but next time you might make more eye contact."

"Oh, erm...ok....."

This had me puzzled. I was making a pretty conscious effort to make eye contact.

I'm getting the hang of this interview lark..."eye contact", that's paragraph three,

Just after the part that tells you not to stare at the interviewer's tits.

"You mean during the interview I wasn't making eye contact?"

"Oh no" she replied "During your presentation"

I had to do a ten minute Powerpoint presentation on a subject they had given me and I had prepared the night before.

I had to use their laptop.

There was no projection facility so I had to read from a laptop screen which faced 180 degrees to the interview panel.

 I know ideally you don't read your presentation from a screen but as it was a subject they had just given me, I didn't exactly know it by heart.

And  I did keep turning round to them (with lots and lots of eye contact) when illustrating my points with some (admittedly largely fictitous) anecdotes from my working life.

I felt I should give some feedback to my feedback:

" er...how could I possibly make a lot of eye contact when I was reading off a little laptop screen, and the laptop was at the other end of the room facing the other way?"

"Yes" she said" I can see it would have been difficult"

I hope I had pressed the "end call" button on the 'phone before I screamed some rather harsh language.

So I have a plan:

 Next time I shall wear antennae, so that I can look two ways at once. 

And possibly paint myself blue.

These things may stand me in good stead.

I read that these days employers have to value diversity.



Frogs!

Well it's been an interesting week
On Thursday and Friday of last week I had three interviews and today, Tuesday, I've had another.
It was at "The Frog Centre" in Middlesbrough.
I tried putting this in the satnav ...nothing....ribbit
I looked for a map on Dr Google....nothing...ribbit ribbit.
I headed for the nearest place that my satnav could find....ahhhhh...there's a van with a frog on it!
Nowhere near the van was there any evidence of a Frog Centre.
 I pressed the doorbell of the nearest building.
Nothing. No answer.
ribbit ribbit ribbit
I drove around the block looking for random amphibians....aha!....sitting outside a local school was an ornamental green frog.
I asked a guy walking past:
 "Frog Centre?"
and.......... he pointed me back the way I had just been
I looked at the building for any reference to "Frogs" or "Centres" but reference was there none.
I was now ten minutes late for my interview.
After much hammering on the suspect door a small newt arrived and said she was expecting me.
"Is this the Frog Centre?" I asked
"Yes" she replied "it is indeed"
I looked her for a moment. Then at the building. Then back at the newt.
"How can anyone tell?"
She looked at me contemptously and swam off.
It was not a good start.
On Friday I had another treasure hunt.
The headquarters of a local charity in Middlesbrough
It was a sensible address.
No frogs, no aadvarks, no drysophila to squeeze into the satnav
I parked the car and looked over to the building.
There was a row of shops, and a sign for the Job Centre.
I investigated further.
One of the shops was a large off- licence.
It looked like any other off -licence until I looked a little closer.
Bars.
Not the kind you drink at.
Yards and yards of steel bars reached from floor to ceiling separating the customer from the booze. Enough Lambrini to refloat the Titanic, but sadly out of reach.
There was a little hatch, like a bank teller's window where you could put your money through and take your tinnies, but other than that there was no browsing allowed.
Odd really.
I mean I haven't really come across a place that sold anything that had to be built like it was expecting a frontal assault.
Interesting though. The place was enormous, so obviously was doing quite well.
And the fact that it existed at all suggested that the usual places for cheap booze-supermarkets- were keeping we away from the hood.
A nifty place for an entrepreneur with three tons of scrap iron and a sawn -off shotgun.
Anyway....back to the treasure hunt.
I entered the gates of the Jobcentre, a place where all the locals gather to worship, bringing offerings of Stella and pork scratchings
Past the (spookily unmanned) reception area.
Past the signs saying:
"Don't leave bikes here"
"If you leave your bikes here they will be stolen"
and:
"If you leave your bikes here they will be stolen and some bastard will come back for your legs"
I took the lift. It delivered me to the floor above the Jobcentre.
I don't think people normally came this far...
There was a long corridor with several dividing doors.
I walked through each of them.
I examined each door.
They all had very temporary looking signs on them, one of them read:
"The Deaf Centre", which had been altered to read:
"The Hard of Hearing Centre" and then changed to:
"The Differentially Enabled Auditory Association"
I suspect the sign had been there for some time.....
I walked past my door - I'm not sure what was written on the sign- it referred to other services the organisation delivered and the company logo was teeny tiny.
In a darkened passage where I was in imminent danger of being bushwhacked by an unemployed cider-swilling cyberman I had missed the vital clue.
I entered, did my thing, strutted my stuff and went home
So there you have it.
Sometimes actually finding where you need to be for an interview is a challenge.
Prospective employers may think:
Well I know where I am, therefore everyone else will know where I am.
Or maybe it's an initiative test.
Or maybe, as most of these jobs have already gone to someone's cousin who works at the company already and therefore knows where it is....or maybe they are trying to head me off at the pass.
Nope.
I got there.
I got to all four of my interviews
Four in three days.
Frogs and all.
Ribbit!

Cars 2

So the Insurance Assessor came to see our battered Ford Ka and shook his head:
"They'll write it off. They always do."
He filled in his paperwork and vanished.
That was three weeks ago, we've heard nowt since.
In the meantime we've been supplied with a brand new Peugeot 207 (dreadful car) which costs somebody £50 a day to hire.
So let's see...that's £50 a day...we haven't heard anything back from the insurers yet.
No offer for the wrecked Ka, so it'll be at least another week.....28 days at £50 a day...that's £1200.
But I think it'll take longer than that.
Usually they make more than one offer and you negotiate...so let's say it might take another month...£2400
The vehicle is worth-at best £500
Do  you ever wonder why our insurance premiums are so high....?
I rang Swintons, the brokers today.
 I couldn't see the point in keeping the Ka insured as it wasn't being used. So let's cancel the insurance and save some money.
I rang them to do it.
"Well we don't think you can do that.... We think they changed the law and you have to keep it insured."
I rang the DVLA: "Yes you can cancel the insurance on the Ka if you take it off the road.No problem. Fill in a Sorn while you're at it"
I rang the car hire company to double check.
"The replacement vehicle is covered separately so yes you can cancel the Ka insurance.No problem"
So I rang Swintons, the brokers back.
"I want to cancel my insurance on the Ka"
"Oh, have you got another car?"
"No" (I lied. But I wouldn't insure a Dinky Toy through these guys again.)
"Oh well...we'll have to check and see if you can do that....We'll call you back."
That was three hours ago.
You know, you pay people money for some sort of service and you assume they know more that you do....in some cases this obviously isn't true.
Next time I call a plumber I don't expect he'll ask me how to solder a pipe.
If I ever go for an operation I don't expect I'll come out of the anaesthetic and the surgeon will ask me if I have "any idea where this bit goes".
With some people its all about meeting their targets.
These people are just there to sell you stuff.
Don't expect them to have a clue about anything else, and if they do have a clue, don't expect them to tell you.
You're just the customer.

sleepwalking

How far can you travel while you're asleep?

An electric car crashed at trials at  80 mph. It was allegedly capable of 120 mph. In 1902.

The Romans used concrete 2,000 years ago. A lot of their stuff still stands.

Our concrete falls apart after a century. If it lasts that long.
In 2,000 years nothing will be left of us but the nuclear waste we emptied down mineshafts.
and Twinkies.
Twinkies last forever.
Maybe we should make buildings from Twinkies?

Nuclear energy.
Our nuclear reactors use uranium as a fuel. It's scarce and not very efficient.
It would be far more efficient to use thorium reactors.
Thorium is comparitively common.
A by-product of using uranium, as currently used in power stations is ....plutonium
Nasty suff plutonium
Goes bang.
but you can't get plutonium from thorium reactors.
And you need plutonium to make atomic bombs.
So way back, when we decided to build nuclear power stations, we chose to use uranium a fuel, and not thorium because we needed bombs, which needed .....plutonium.
Today we have to be careful as Iran and North Korea might generate plutonium as a by product from their uranium reactors.
And make bombs.
I guess we backed the wrong horse, somewhere.

Goodnight and God bless

Mission : Impossible

 Access Denied.

 

Ethan Hunt dangled like a pantomime fairy from his tether. Hanging in mid air whilst suspended from the ceiling was something he hadn't done since the office Christmas party.
The computer blinked on, like a blinking computer.
"Access Denied: You are not authorised for that security level."
"We cannot give you that information. If we do we'll have to kill you in various unpleasant and unlikely ways."
Ethan smirked his boyish smirk. A smirk he had inherited from his father, who had a fatherish smirk in later life.
Ethan heard heavy footsteps approaching, he knew he was running out of time. And cheese.
Ethan  knew he had to buy more cheese. He'd checked the fridge and he knew he was out of cheese.
And what was worse, was that he was almost out of time.
And cheese.
Quickly he employed his Special Forces training and accessed the highly secret website known as Google.
There it was! This was what he had been looking for.
Trembling, he typed in: "How the bloody hell do I find the details of another driver involved in an accident, then?"
It had taken precious seconds but finally.....there it was!
http://www.askmid.com/askmidenquiry.aspx
It had taken Ethan Hunt 4.5 minutes to access the information he needed.
If he had not been dangling from the roof with a fishing line tied to his pants it might have taken less.

So there you are.
Information denied by an insurance company is accessible to the public (if you've had an accident) on payment of....£3.75 to the Motor Insurance Database.Run by the DVLA. Official and that.
You can also get the information if you're a representative of the above.
This would include things like-er-insurance companies.
It doesn't cost them £3.75 though.
For them it's free.
Left right and centre people are telling us that something is impossible.
What they mean is "There's a piece of legislation out there. We don't know what it means and that means that you won't either. So in order to avoid doing anything about anything we'll just say:
It's a Data Protection/Health and Safety/ Prevention of Terrorism Act issue.
I'm currently complaining to the Financial Ombudsman.
I registered a complaint with Swinton first (you have to do that)
The reply came back. They didn't think they had done anything wrong. Their email contained, mysteriously, the following line:

"..........this would follow us asking relevant data protection questions and beige satisfied with the answers.." 

Ethan furrowed his brow with a brow furrow.

He asked them what that sentence meant, and why it contained that old KGB colour code.

Why it contained the word "beige"

Beige was known to be in the man in charge.
The Big Boss. The Head Honcho. Mister Big. The Emperor of Crime and Parts of Huddersfield.

They replied with a single enigmatic line:

 "I apologise ..... the word "beige"was meant to be the word" being."

But Ethan knew the truth.

A Bump in the Night

Our thirteen year old Ford Ka got hit by a Taxi (a huge Vauxhall Vivavoo or some such tank).

It was parked when the iceberg struck.

Ok it's a grotty Ka. Get your jokes out of the way. I liked it, it was useful, reliable,cheap and it worked. A bit like the original model T.

Well, it worked apart from when I lost my keys in Hamsterley Forest, but let's not go there right now.

Anyway...the car was hit over the front wheel arch. The taxi driver knew he'd hit but he drove off anyway.

The Ka was towed back. The insurance broker was contacted as were the police (the driver leaving the scene without providing details was, of course,  an offence)

The police turned up and were jolly decent. But when it came to the insurance brokers....

They couldn't arrange a replacement vehicle as they couldn't trace the other driver's insurers. There was a possibility he wasn't insured. Naturally no insurance meant no replacement car ...and the insurer couldn't trace any insurance policy for the other driver.

Eventually we found that the other driver was insured with the same broker as us. Simple then. Tell that to the broker and Bob's your uncle.

So I rang the broker with the good news.

" I'm sorry sir, we can't do that. It's contrary to the Data Protection Act and we take the Data Protection Act very seriously.

I spluttered a little at this point.

"Surely not?"

"Yes sir. It's contrary to the Data Protection Act and we take the Data Protection Act very seriously."

"So you're sitting at one desk and you can't tell the person sitting next to you the details of the other driver?"

"I'm afraid not, sir. It's contrary to the Data Protection Act and we take the Data Protection Act very seriously."

I rang head office.They told me they couldn't do anything. It had something to do with them taking the Data Protection Act very seriously.

Well even superficially this was all bollocks.

Remember the story of the school that made wearing safety goggles compulsory when playing with conkers?. The headmaster of the school was interviewed years afterwards and he said yes he had made a rule to that effect, but that he was taking the micky out of Health a Safety legislation, or at least the public concept of Health and Safety.

It's the same with Data Protection. An act brought in for a very good purpose. But this wasn't it. Just like conkers and goggles and the Health and Safety Act, this wasn't it.

It was a joke

On the one hand organisations are scared that they might be infringing something and on the other hand it gives them a perfect excuse to do nothing whatsoever, and say that they can't do anything because of some law or other.

I did take the matter further. I wrote an email of complaint.

I got a reply

It said that they took data protection very seriously, and said they might allow one de[partment to talk to another department, but "that this would follow us asking relevant data protection questions and beige satisfied with the answers".

I did query what he meant by "beige" as I thought it might be a codeword or something, but the reply came back in the rather curt response:

"I apologise Mr Chalk, the word was being."

How surreal was that, then?

Coming Soon.....
Mission : Impossible 2: Access Denied

Busted!

On the phone this morning to one of my favourite employment agencies. I'll alter their name is case I get sued.
Anyway I was talking to Morgan *unt Employment Agency.
I've had a lot of issues in the past with their emails that (theoretically) allow you to apply online for their vacancies.
I click a link and it just comes up "Error 404"
They tell me this is a "problem at my end"
This is odd as I've gone through the process on other computers and I get the same error.
But this is what people do. They tell you it must be "your problem". This means they don't have to do anything about them.
So I sat by the phone complaining again.
Your website doesn't work.
Really? I think you'll find it does. It must be your problem.
So this morning I explored "my problem" a bit deeper. And got very cross.
After a while of questioning the dweeb on the phone there was a pause and he said....
Well....there's not really much point in applying for those jobs anyway.
Really. Why is that.?
Well they go so quickly....and it's mostly just to raise brand awareness anyway
So that's why things that are bust aint fixed.
Sometimes it's just your perception that is faulty.
Sometimes they aren't busted at all.
Sometimes its because what appears to be a communication is simply an advertisement.
It's not any sort of communication at all.

Back to the Future

I keep attending interviews in time warps.
They must be occuring in time warps because I wait centuries for a decision, don't get one, then send them a reminder message asking to let me know please, and a week later I get a letter telling me their decision.
"Industry Standard" now seems to be:  If you don't get the job you don't to to know that you didn't get the job.
I'm not sure that's fair.
Meanwhile on the time travel front....I requested an application form, got an email on the 18th. July with application form attached.
Splendid.
The email asked for the completed application form to be returned by.... the 15th July.
Anyone got a Delorean?

The Omen

The last time I was unemployed (spoken in the tones of: "The Day War Broke Out"..)
I had an interview with Sure Start.
Sure Start is a government funded programme to work with parents and babies.
It was based on  the American Head Start programme.
Its original aim: End Child Poverty.
They planned to do this even without the intervention of Moses, God, or that guy who wears his underpants outside his tights....Ambitious.
Nobody seemed to look very hard at the results the Americans has with Head Start. As it transpired the results weren't wonderful, but Sure Start as a spin-off spinned off like a mad spinning thing
Anyway........ Sure Start needed a Male Worker on their project.
I went for the interview, and the interview consisted of:
"Oh hello, how are you?
Would you like the job?
When can you start?
You haven't murdered anyone lately have you?
No?
Excellent.
Can you start today?"
They didn't actually have a job, as such.
They had me sit on the floor where people brought babies in.
They didn't tell me what to do or anything.
Just sit there.
So I sat there.
For eight hours.
I have had various periods in my life that have been truly execrable.
Camping mainly. Trying to sleep and surf at the same time as the rain hammered through flopping failing canvas.
Or dentists. You'll just feel a slight prick. You LIE!!! Mr. Dentist!!!
But this eight hours sat on the floor being ignored and trying to look inviting/approachable/professional.
It was a long time...
It would have helped if they had told me what I was supposed to be doing, or let me see what the other "male workers" on other projects were doing , but no.
They had their Token Male Worker (me)
The government told them they had to have one and there you are.Ot there I was.
Sit over there and look paternal.
After the first day I bugged out.
I said:
Look.
You don't have a job for me.
You've got a square of carpet for me to sit on and make you look politically correct.
If you want to talk about a job, then get back to me. I'll be more than happy to make some constructive suggestions.
They never did get back to me.

To be continued....

Invasion

It started with this man Harris and his "miniature electronic organs".
He commenced his evil plan one dark and lonely English evening when there was still bread and dripping  for tea, Tommy Hanley's voice chuckled from that old valved radio in the corner and Auntie Macassar had called round for her usual helping of  spotted dick.
Then before you know it ....what happened to the music?
It's now all electronic computerised noise.
What happened to those lovely Ladies Lesbian String Quartets that used to entertain us as they played together over our profiteroles with ersatz cream substitute in Ye Olde Englishe Tea Roomes?
Gone. Gone forever.
And now we have Mr Murdoch with his dizzy redhead sidekick. He starts small with shares in miniature electronic organs and editing the Wallamazoo Times, but before you know it he's here.
Getting his minions to eavesdrop on our mobile telephone calls like it was something out of 1984.
1984....I remember 1984....there were hot buttered postmen for tea and fruity scones delivered the telegram letting us know that young Freddy was safe and well and impersonating Adolf Hitler in Bolivia....anyway I digress....
Why is the world being taken over by Australians?
If you have been following this blog, you'll realise that our Brave New Get Back To Work Service is being run by some mad Sheila.
It all started with Rolf Harris, but pretty soon all our traditional British instruments will be replaced by miniature electronic organs and all official correspondence will commence not with "Dear Sir or Madam", but with
"G'day You Old Bugger".

Letter to Ingeus

It strikes me as ironic that a company that is destined to deliver the new "Work Programme" can be so shoddy in the way it treats prospective employees.

I attended an interview with Ingeous, and got a rather unsatisfactory totally impersonal response.

Is this supposed to be Showing the New Way?

if it is, I have only this to say:

Oh dear...........

"Hello

I attended your interview.

Firstly the venue was changed, then the time of the interview was changed at very short notice.

When I arrived for the interview I was kept waiting thirty minutes without explanation.

I was then informed by mass-market email that I was unsuccessful and that nobody can give me any feedback because you are too busy.

In my view the arrangement between interviewer and interviewee is a contract:

The interviewee clears his/her diary and travels at their own expense to the interview (after taking an additional online "suitability test") in the case of Ingeus.

In return they usually get a phone call with feedback.

I believe this is "Industry Standard" or "Custom and practice", if you like.

It concerns me that Ingeus consider that an appropriate response to an "unsuccessful candidate" is a mass-market email, especially in view on the fact that Ingeus is supposed to be showing the New Way of how to help people get back into employment.

Your feedback to this message would be appreciated."

I'll let you know how I get on...... ;)

Grapes of Wrath

Unemployment.
Aint it hard to do something about it.....?
Well.......NO
Last week I had three job interviews.
One of them, curiously enough for one of the agencies who will deliver the new UK Government Work Programme.
I'm sure they have some Wonderful New Ideas.
I have some too!
All three of these interviews I attended were some distance away from where I live.
Each one of them cost me about ten English pounds to get there and back.
None of them are eligible for the (discretionary) Travel to Interview scheme as run by Jobcentre Plus as they are all considered to be "within commuting distance", however they all do, naturally cost money to get there and back.
Current Jobseekers Allowance is £67.50 if you're over 25 and £53.45 if you're younger.
So let me see.....three interviews at £10 travelling to each interview  would have cost me.....ooooh
Thirty quid. Just under half what I had to live on for the whole week.
If I'd been 24 (which I was once) I would have had the grand total of £13.45 to live on after attending these three interviews in a week.
Is there something wrong with this picture?
How about this for a thought:
If someone has an interview for a job, and they can prove they have an interview, and the interviewer can confirm that they attended the interview....why not pay their travelling expenses to attend it?
The alternative to them attending the interview and getting a job is ....that they remain on welfare and don't pay taxes to look after all the other people on welfare.
So why discourage people from attending interviews?
Hell, if it was up to me I'd be doing them all a packed lunch!
Here's another one:
If someone attends university and takes a degree you expect them to pay back their student loan when they get a job.
The reasoning is it makes them more employable to have a degree.
It does!
And so does a person having a driving licence and a car.
It makes them more employable!
Here we go then:

1. Interest free loans for people to pass their driving tests.
2. Interest free loans for them to purchase an approved  second-hand car.

You would also stimulate the economy by creating a bigger demand for driving tuition.
You'd get people off their asses and away from their Bright House plasma TV's and into work and..... paying taxes!
I'm quite happy to donate these ideas for free, but if Her Majesty's Government could see their way to giving me a few dollars for them I might be able to attend some more interviews.....AND eat.
All in the same week!

The Big Day Cometh

Well.....

Two interviews in one day. I thought a while. 
Is this too much?
What would Jesus have done?
Nah. I can do this.
So I arranged for one interview in the morning and another on the afternoon.
The morning interview contacted me to say that the venue had changed.
OK. Got that. Understood.Roger wilko and out.
Just as I was going out the door the phone rang.
"Sorry, we're running late. We'll be starting an hour later than we said"
uh-oh. Problem there.
That would mean I had to travel between Newcastle and Sunderland in-er-no minutes at all.
Rang up interview number two:
Can you change the time of my interview please?
You can?
Splendid. Back on track.
Pulled up at the hotel for interview One.
Called at reception.
"Just wait in the foyer please."
OK......
Thirty minutes passed and nobody showed up.
Thirty five minutes passed and an ex-colleague showed up, also for an interview for the same job.
Forty minutes later someone from the prospective employer showed up and took us to a room with two netbooks.
"Please watch the videos and then answer the questions.You have an hour."
My video was of a twenty year old girl who attacks people and wants eventually, to be a social worker.
I've known some social workers who were just like that, so she had potential.
I had to find my imaginary client some jobs and print them out.
OK. No problem. I found about seven vacancies. I also had to do her CV.
For some reason the computer decided to split the CV into two, bisected by a job vacancy.
Every time I moved my wrist the netbook would do something random. I think my sleeve kept catching the "do something random" key.
The other computer, operated by my colleague, wouldn't print at all.:
"We've spent all morning trying to set this up...."
So we had an hour.
I printed the imaginary client's CV and seven specimen jobs for her to pursue diligently.
Then we went upstairs for the interview.
"So did you find her any jobs?"
"Oh yes" I beamed" I found her lots of jobs, only...."
"Only?"
"Well one was for an "Adult store" so I'm not sure I'd be giving it to her.
I may need to consult policy"
They looked at me from over the desk. They may have kicked each other under the table as a
"We've a right one here" sort of signal
"May I see the vacancies you found?"
"Certainly" I beamed "This is the one for the...Adult Shop"
I handed it over and looked at the next print out...."and this is the one for the....er...."Adult Shop"
I looked at the third print-out "Oh dear"
They looked at me through suspicious eyes
"Is there a problem?"
"Well it appears that all the print outs are for the same vacancy in the ....."
"Adult shop?"
"I'm afraid so. They were all different when I copied and pasted, but now they're all for...."
"An Adult Shop?"
Er yes.
They were okay with this.
I suspect something similar may have happened before, although having just written that down I find it hard to believe.
We did a role play.
The female interviewer played the manager of the shop, and I was playing Captain Kirk trying to get my client in for an interview.
I was having no luck, and suspect I should have been wearing my car salesman's sheepskin jacket and been a bit more "insistent".
The role-play ended and the lady interviewer said:
"You'll be pleased to know that's the only role-play you'll be asked to do"
I thought for a moment, looked at my seven print-outs from the same "Adult Shop" and replied
"Oh that's a shame. Especially with all these sex aids about......"
Well I thought it was funny....

Indervue!!!

I continue to cast my net more widely.
I apply for a job in Essex.
I get a phone call from the prospective employer shortly afterwards.
Offering me an interview!!!
Whoopee!
I ask him to confirm details in writing before I go cap in hand to those nice Jobcentre Plus people to request a travel warrant.
This is the email the company sent me....:

"hi Graham, you have been short listed for an interview for the position of Theriputic project worker. Please look at are website for futher information about our company. Please let me know some dates that are convient for you to travel over to see us."

I see four major spelling mistakes in three lines.

The gentleman also included the web address of his company so that I might be better informed.

Which would have helped.....but...it was the wrong web address.
I'm not really nit picking am I?
If I show this email to the Jobcentre as proof that I have an interview, they'll assume I'm having a laugh.
Would it prejudice my chances of being appointed to this post if I ask my future employer to write his email out again with corrections as highlighted?

Would you like fries with that?

 Now then...

Before I checked my mail there was this item pinged onto the screen on Yahoo:

Yahoo Careers from Career Builder.

It was telling me "who is hiring in the UK."

Let me see.....

a hotel chain

a coffee shop

a restaurant

a car rental company

a parcel delivery firm

a chain of residential care homes

a double glazing firm

What, I wonder is the common denominator with these firms?

Is it perhaps: minimum wage?

Hang on, what about Poundland?

I'm sure Poundland are recruiting somewhere...

Time for Tea!

 

Pass me that broken bottle, would you, mate?

I just  applied for a job.

It had a curious title: " Domestic Abuse Facilitator"

Now call me old fashioned (I am, you should see my shoes) but I don't think people should be employed to facilitate abuse.

They ought to be employed to put an end to it.

Granted I'm not up to speed on the latest thinking and innovations in this field.

Speaking of innovations....the company  advertising the post is called " Deter Innovations".

Now I've had quite a few jobs.

Without exception they have all done their very best to "deter innovations", but this is the first time I've seen a company enshrining that philosophy in their name.

Agency Update

I spotted a vacancy on Reeds website. 

It was from Neca Recruitment . 

I've mentioned them before. They have me "on their books".

They don't send me details of any vacancies or anything exotic like that, but I'm a jewel in their crown.

I'm sure of it.

Anyway...

I spotted an interesting  vacancy on Reeds website. It said that Neca Recruitment had a tasty job going.

So I checked the Neca Recruitment website to find it....................nope. Not there. 

I had a feeling of deja vu at this point as the  same thing happened a few months back with a different "vacancy".

When I chased it at that time I was told that Craig who used to represent me at Neca was no longer with them.

I emailed Caela who was the Neca woman that told me Craig was no longer with them and said: "Wasssssssssssssssssup Caela?"

And I got the reply:

"Just to advice(sic) that Caela is no longer working for NECA and I will be your contact for the foreseeable future."
 I wonder how long the "forseeable future" is over there?

Hunting Snarks

Speaking of the "Big Society"
Can anyone tell me what it is?
There was a government minister on the news this morning talking about The Big Society.
It's a Very Wonderful Thing, this Big Society.
That's all anyone ever tells you.
It's very wonderful.
That's it.
It reminds me of the Hunting of the Snark, by Lewis Carroll.
An epic poem where all these random useless geezers set out to hunt a snark.
"They sought it with thimbles, they sought it with care;
They pursued it with forks and hope;
They threatened its life with a railway-share;
They charmed it with smiles and soap."

Nobody knows what The Snark looks like and nobody has ever seen it but everyone knows it's pretty damned awesome....

G'day

Update: who is getting the new Work Programme contracts?
One of my ex-colleagues tells me that  "Ingeus have the work programme for all the north east".
As I hadn't heard of Ingeus I naturally Googled  them.
It's a multinational company owned by Thérèse Rein, the wife of the ex Prime Minister of Australia, Kevin Rudd. ".... (with) more than 70 offices in Australia, UK, France, Switzerland, Germany, Korea, Sweden and Poland, and with over 1,000 employees"
I thought HMG was moving us away from huge firms with huge bureaucracies involving themselves in the social sector  and was encouraging local initiatives aka "The Big Society"?
Australia ey?
I am now saving all the corks from my wine bottles to dangle from my hat before I head off for an interview.
However as the Ingeus website says: "We are not currently recruiting but any future vacancies" I think I'll have quite some time before my corky hat project rolls out.
That proposed June launch for the Work programme is continuing to look ever-so-slightly unlikely. Cobber....
and while I'm on the subject......
As Ingeus is owned by an Australian doesn't this mean that all our tax money to pay for the running of the Work Programme is going to .....Australia?

Doctor, doctor

"Doctor doctor, please
Oh, the mess I'm in..."

There is obviously a problem with time ...
The Work Programme (aka Welfare to Work,Single Work Programme) is due to go "live" "sometime in June".
Interesting.....the contracts to deliver the "Programme" have been awarded to huge cash-rich private companies.
A lot of these companies have no experience in delivering this sort of programme, so they'll need to sub-contract to organisations with the appropriate experience.
This may or not be a problem, depending on whether you think it is a Good Idea for private companies to be granted contracts  to deliver a service  to clients who may be vulnerable and socially challenged solely on the basis of how much that company has in the bank.
However I have to ask a few questions:
Question One:
The "Work  Programme" is due to start in a few weeks, so where are the workers to deliver it?
Who is going to work with the workless clients?
I see Group 4 have won contracts to deliver the Work Programme.
Their previous expertise lies...elsewhere.
Do they propose to use their security guards to deliver the Work Programme? 
I was made redundant back in January, along with most of the specialised and skilled team that I was part of. I worked in employment support.
Since my redundancy I have been looking for work, naturally in a similar field.
No such posts are being advertised anywhere.
There isn't a day that I don't look, and there are no jobs in employment support being advertised.
Given that it takes quite a while to advertise posts, contact respondents, arrange interviews, conduct interviews, contact interviewees with results, induct successful candidates in their new posts.
I have to ask...how are they going to do all this in......a couple of weeks?
I applaud any constructive changes that will happen.
The system was a mess and nobody understood it. There were/are people who were simply being warehoused as long-term invalids who could work, and it would potentially improve their mental condition by doing so.
Question Two:
Where are all these new jobs for the Newly Well going to be found?
If I can't find one, and I don't have  a history of long-term sickness and I do have a history of helping people to get jobs, then what chance has someone with no recent checkable work history and a record of illness?
Question Two: What encouragement is there going to be for people who are currently on benefits to take a job on or near minimum wage? Since the slump salaries being offered for most jobs I'm looking at seem to have dropped  about 15%.
Why would someone who is getting their rent and council tax paid take a job that will make them worse off?
Currently there are a lot of firms, feeling the pinch, offering jobs with hours "as and when". Currently it would be madness to take such a job with totally unpredictable hours and risk losing welfare benefits.
Question Three:
If you're going to try and introduce more flexibility into the system can we expect an improvement in the delivery and speed of welfare claims?
I think it took about eight weeks after my redundancy to get any welfare payment. If I hadn't had a (small) redundancy payment I'd have been destitute.
 If someone makes a new claim after losing a job and gets no redundancy payment at all they might starve waiting for their claim to come through.
If such a delay happens when new welfare claims are made  then the temptation is going to be NOT to take a job and to stay on welfare. Better the devil you know....
Question Four:
The last time I saw my Job Centre Adviser he asked me whether I had thought about "relocating" to find a job.
What encouragement is there going to be for people to look for work in other areas?
I live in an area that has traditionally been an unemployment blackspot.
Since the slump...
I have no job.
My partner has no job.
However we have grown-up children who aren't dependent so we can move if we find a job somewhere else.
In order to locate such a job firstly we will need to attend an interview in another area.
Jobcentre Plus operates a Travel to Interview scheme, where your out-of-pocket expenses will be paid if you needed to travel out of your area to attend an interview.
Sensible. If you're encouraging people to get out of the unemployment trap you can't expect them to fund a three-hundred mile rail trip. They don't make giros that big.
However if you look on the JobCentre Plus website it says:

Travel to Interview Scheme and In Work Credit

Jobcentre Plus can help you to get to your job interview ..... Find out more, including how to apply.

Important update: Travel to Interview scheme is now closed

I rang my Adviser and he said "It's not closed, it's discretionary"
Well, so it should be. It's public money. But anyone looking for information on how to get to their out of area job interview from the Jobcentre Plus website is simply told it's "closed".Not available to you,chummy. Kaput.
So they aren't going to even attempt to look for a job elsewhere.
There should be an online database, run by Jobcentre Plus that matches client's CV's with jobs in all geographical areas and informs a client when a job pops up.
There are plenty of independent companies that do this already, but most of them do it badly.
Time for someone to do it properly.
History Lesson:
Are you troubled with economic and financial problems?
Are your people suffering hardship?
Is your country going to hell in a handbasket?
Are 20% of your young people workless and are many resigned to remaining so?
You're  a busy government and God understands how hard it is for you to get on top of things, that's why She invented history.
So that you could learn from it:
http://www.historylearningsite.co.uk/new_deal.htm

Just what do you think you're doing, Dave?

You may remember that on 24th March : A Bigger Boat I wrote about a job which was being advertised by Hays recruitment agency.
I suggested that the job might not exist and that it was being advertised purely to pad out the Hays website and lure in unwary candidates.
I decided not to register with Hays as they insisted on yet another CRB check and I have more than enough of them already.
Anyway. I got an email from them just the other day:

Thank you for your following application(s).
Advocate, 1379823, 12/05/11,
Unfortunately you have been unsuccessful on this occasion.
Many thanks
Rachel Dobson

(I was puzzled. I hadn't actually applied for this "vacancy".
So I wrote back:)

Hi Rachel
Thanks for the message
Can you please confirm whether I am actually registered with Hays ?
Following my last conversation I thought that I wasn't registered until I had a CRB check done specifically for Hays?
Also, as this post is still "live" on your website, can you let me have some feedback as to why I wasn't successful?
Best wishes
Graham Chalk

(Please make a mental note: I asked for feedback as I "hadn't been successful")

Graham,
You are not registered as you have no Hays CRB, but your details are on our database......
Many thanks
Rachel Dobson

Team Manager


Hello Rachel
...............Could I ask again-as my application for the Advocate post was unsuccessful, may I have some feedback please?
(Please make a mental note: I asked for feedback as I "hadn't been successful")

Graham,
The role was filled and should have been suspended from the website.
Many thanks for bringing it to my attention
Regards
Rachel Dobson
Team Manager

Oh and the job I hadn't been successful in not applying for?
Guess what?
It's still live on the Hay's website....

The Day I Became a Terrorist

Being as I have farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr too much time on my hands I tend to mooch about and take photographs more often than I used to.

The last time I was driving through Teesside I couldn't help but notice the post-industrial post-apocalyptic wasteland and think....hmmmmnnnnn. This would make a great photographic essay!

So today we happened to be driving through Haverton Hill, in Cleveland when we passed all these cooling towers and interestingly-shaped...stuff.

So I said "ok stop the car".

Now I know the phrase "ok stop the car" sometimes happens in these big Hollywood movies starring Denzel Washington, but they're usually outside a bank in Chicago with a carful of people carrying Glocks and wearing hosiery on their heads and not me carrying a crappy digital camera in Teesside.

Anyway...I'm walking along a public footpath beside a public highway breathing public air and I hear this voice that says

"Excuse me, can I ask why you're taking photographs?"

I turned to find a middle-aged bloke in a navy sweater standing outside a compact car.

No badges.

No ID .

No anything.

"Erm. I like taking photographs...industrial landscapes-you know?"

By the blank look on his face he didn't.

"Would you mind if I asked you for your name and address?"

I looked at him like I would look at something I find stuck to the bottom of my boot on  hot summer's day.

"No"

"No, you wouldn't mind?" he attempted, speculatively

"No. I have no intention of giving you my name and address" I replied

"Oh" he said, dischuffed "Why is that then?"

I breathed in...."Well for a few reasons...one because this isn't East Germany before the wall came down, and you aren't the Stasi"

"Stasi?" he asked. "Ah" he thought. "A foreign word. he MUST be a terrorist."

"The Stasi" I explained, in a loftily condescending tone" were the East German secret police."

If I'd said the same thing to my goldfish I'd have had the same expression.

And No. I don't own a goldfish.

The goldfish was fighting for breath "Its just that we have to be on alert for terrorists"

I looked at him, probably with the look one gives a disobedient goldfish.

" I see.

Do you think if I was Taliban I would be walking around Cleveland with a camera in broad daylight?"

"...for security reasons I have to ask you....."

I looked at him.

"You know something? For generations our father's fought and died to keep this country free from this. From you"

He got in his car and drove off.

I defiantly took some more pictures (I think the lens cap was on, but hell-it's the principle) then I got back into my car.

Evening came.

I had just taken a bath and the doorbell rang.

From the voices I gathered it was an official call.

It was a police officer.

In a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE van.

Here to investigate a report of possible terrorist activity.

He was okay.

They usually are.

Individually.

I explained the situation to him, and he seemed mildly amused.

I felt offended by the "mildly" amused bit as I thought the whole thing was totally hysterical by this stage.

The PC explained: "It's just that some areas are part of the Infrastructure Hub and may be vulnerable to terrorist activity"

""and is this Haverton Hill  part of the Infrastructure Hub?" I asked

He looked briefly up at me from his notes, sighed and replied: "I really couldn't say"

"..but it's a part of the infrastructure?"

"Exactly"

"But isn't there rather a lot of this "infrastructure" in the country? I mean. Isn't everywhere part of this "infrastructure?"

He shrugged in a way that only a man who wanted to get back to the station for a coffee could shrug.

He left in a polite and faintly embarrassed way.

You know the real worry to me is that this really does represent our way of locating and dealing with terrorist threats.

Citizen with a camera, broad daylight.

Let's send a cretin with no ID to ask "Terrorist" to explain himself, then divert a copper and a van from a real crime scene to investigate when he tells him to sod off.

If the Bad Guys really wanted to blow up Billingham they would find the system this stupid.

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On Your Bike

I got an email today from Community Care.
One of the advertised jobs was a Mental Health Support Worker in London.
The salary started at £15,000 a year.
I wonder what sort of place could you rent in London for that kind of money?

Job Advertising: things go better with coke

What are these people on?
This is from a current "Home Group" advert:
"A leading provider of care and support, we aim to give outrageously brilliant service to all our 70,000 customers and clients."
How about "absolutely the dog's bollocks of a service" next time?
Don't hold back.
Trust me guys, achieving an acceptably good standard ( irrespective of arbitrary non-client focussed targets) would get my attention.

Ghosts of Christmas Past

I don't want to seem eternally grumpy but.......I was just visited by The Agency Ghost of Christmas Past:
A Ranstad Care rep called me to see how things were going.
 I told her:
"The last time you guys called me, the first bloke said that I was just what they were looking for.
Ten minutes passed and the next woman said she wasn't sure whether I was just what they were looking for and ten minutes after that the same woman rang me back and told me that they wouldn't ever have anything for me in this lifetime.So I'm fine thankyou. How are you?"
She said something like "umm...er....well....sorry...."
And that was it.
They've gone again.
No doubt I'll hear from them in another twelve months and have to remind them what they said to me again....about the time someone new in the office needs to meet their targets...
Then I applied for a vacancy advertised on the internet, using my CV.
It didn't look like an agency was involved at all, but the Badenoch and Clark "Recruitment Consultancy"rang me about my application so I guess one must have been lurking in the woods somewhere.
I listened to the usual spiel and tried to remain awake.
Then I said: "Look, I have four recent CRB Enhanced Disclosure checks.
Totally clear.
No issues.
I really am NOT going to pay for another one simply so that I can sign up with you guys"
There was a short pause at the other end of the phone , then he said:
"No, no. As long as you have one from withing the last ten months that will be fine"
I was puzzled.
"Are you sure? All the other agencies told me I need to get another one done if I sign up with them, as "It's the Law""
He was sure. A recent one would be fine.
Well isn't that odd.
Do I smell something fishy?
Exactly what IS the legal position here.
I mean either the law is:
A) or it is:
B)
It really can't be both*
Having said that, he did say he'd be contacting me by email to get me signed up and I've heard absolutely nothing.
And that was a week ago....

*The government have not banned portability (the use of a disclosure obtained by another organisation) but they don’t advocate it and encourage businesses to make their own checks to ensure they are up to standard and nothing has been missed.
http://www.moneymagpie.com/article/767/de-mystifying-the-crb-check-your-questions-answered/

The above is all well and good when applied to full-time contracts, but when a person is enrolling with several different agencies at about the same time it appears to make no sense whatsoever.
Unless one has shares in one of the many private companies offering to carry out " CRB Personnel Checks".

Royal Weeding Blues

I have nothing against the Royals.
In fact Mrs Queen I quite like.
She hated Thatcher, apparently.
Couldn't stand the woman.
In my book that makes her okay.
The rest I'm not really sure about.
So the Royal Weeding left me somewhat meh
I mean, on the one hand you've got this dude who is probably a Lovely Person (degree in geography, so naturally gets to be a helicopter pilot) and this Kate person who runs her own business:
 "Party Pieces ‘to inspire other mothers to create magical parties at home’ (don't ask for any Dragon's Den wonga for that one Katie, my girl)
At times like this I'm a bit envious of the Yanks who disposed of their (our) Royals in the eighteenth century.
Then again as president Obama has just described the assasination of Bin Laden as ; "One of the greatest ..... military operations in our nation's history," one has to doubt whether swapping a bunch of Royal Twerps for a Home Grown American Twerp is such a good deal.
I mean, the killing of the deranged Bin Laden by a bunch of well-armed special forces troops who fly in gunships over a friendly county, do the job and fly home for dinner is perhaps a Good Thing, but I doubt it was "one of the greatest ..... military operations in our nation's history"
How about D-Day.
In comparison to D-Day?
In fact in comparison to every single fucking military theatre the yanks have been involved in and shed their blood in ever how does it stand up?
I think what he meant was "one of the greatest ..... military operations in our nation's history, since yesterday".
Muppet.
I expected more of this guy. Instead we end up with a black George Bush.
The triumph of mediocrity.