Weather Updates: Please check with the college website, it is updated frequently.
I just updated it personally. Great news about the war being over, but it's time to put that all behind us and be nice to the Boers.
Don't worry your little heads about whether or not you have any lecturers here on the premises.
Come in anyway.
People do all sorts of hazardous and apparently pointless pilgrimages.
We don't sell any healing waters or anything like that but you can have all the snow you want.
It is rumoured to have mystical properties. whooooooohooooo
Honest.
Anyway. I just wiped the window with my cardigan and I can issue the following Weather Report:
Snow
Although
snow is very pretty, fluffy and decorative it is also horribly dangerous and
inconvenient, so, for your welfare, we have provided the following helpful
guidelines to get you through this period:
Attacks
by polar bears or wolves:
If
attacked by fierce arctic animals whilst on college business we recommend that
you run away very quickly (in the direction of the nearest classroom)
Take
care not to allow any of the aforementioned animals to enter the building,
(unless they have first signed in and have been allocated the appropriate
visitor’s badge.)
If
you cannot run to your designated classroom then find the nearest broom cupboard and run there. We cannot afford to lose time simply because you have been careless
enough to be chased or savagely mauled by wild beasts.
Accidents:
Having an accident is a great tragedy and we are very concerned that you avoid
these.
We
suggest therefore that you stay off the roads and sleep in the class.
(Some of you will already know how to do this)
We have
everything here that you need at New College, we are all very nice, loving people.
Don’t
ring into the office to say that you’ve had an accident and will be late.
Road
accidents, especially at high speeds take place in a fraction of a second.
Therefore you shouldn’t be very late should you?
Health
and Safety Guidelines
Following
your accident have a good look around for a few moments
- Do
you have the same number of arms as you had before?
- Do
you have the same number of legs as you had before?
- Is
your head pointing in the same direction as it was before? (Look down-if you see
your feet you’re ok-if you can see your arse you may have a problem.)
- You
may have to locate any missing limbs for future surgical re-attachment to your
body. (Note: Any hospital time should be taken at weekends or using any
available TOIL.)
You may ring into the office to let them know that you
will be late in the following circumstances:
1. until you have fashioned some snow shoes from tennis
rackets and walked here
2. until you have acquired enough stray dogs to haul your
Wilko sledge back to college
3. From the remnants of your own, and other crashed
vehicles you have built a small aircraft and flown the required distance to your classroom.
Frostbite:
The
loss of fingers is to be avoided at all costs. You cannot do assignments unless you have one or two fingers left, so think ahead and try not to
compromise your efficiency. Noses may be sacrificed unless you’re required for
publicity photos or you wear glasses.
In
the event of you dying of hypothermia please let us know in advance that you are
feeling tired and are about to lie down in a blizzard and go to
sleep.
In order to conform to current traceability procedures
you’ll need to tell us exactly which mound of snow you’re under so that
when the spring thaw arrives we can retrieve any confidential items from you
frozen body.
Information
governance should not be taken lightly, even during an icy death.
Dsc/sno/22/12/10
