In which I get a job.
Or possibly not.
This may mark the end of this story.
Or possibly not.
Always leave room for a sequel.
An account of my day:
I know some employers read Facebook so this is a bit -er-restricted.
Isn't this a sad comment on the twenty- first century?
we have the ability say anything we like on "Social Media" but unless it's bigging up our employer or saying what we had for dinner we need to watch what we are saying, because wherever we are, and whatever we say: Big Brother Is Watching Us.
and most of us are so asleep that we accept all this without a murmur
Okay , so I attend an interview with this charity.
It works with homeless alcoholics.
I have experience!
I've been homeless (I once slept in a car-it was a nice Ford Capri -three careful owners, but the other two were Bodie and Doyle) the seats folded down-you get a very decent night's kip)
I attend an induction event with a gang of other hopefuls-I get interviewed –only sessional work, but it’s a start...
A letter comes to say I'm in.
One of them.
A made man.
Months pass and I’ve not heard anything so I send them an email.
Hello it’s me and I’m not dead, can I have some work please.
Oh. Comes the reply from head office. You need to do some shadowing shifts first
Emails arrive with the details.
Just one line on each email.
Not hello. Not how are you., not who I will need to ask for when I arrive to "do shadowing".
Just the name of the building.
Not the location, just the name of the building.
I think I’m going to be a spy or something
So on the appointed day I get up and go to the first of the shadowing shifts.
It’s torrential rain and rush hour and I have to get from home to them, which is over 30 miles and I’m full of hay fever and neuralgia and soaked.
Never mind.
I have to do my shadowing shifts.Dripping wet I announce my presence in the office.
They look a bit confused.
I spot a face I recognise from the induction day, that I did months ago.
Hi I’m here to do my shadowing"
You’re here to do what?"
My shadowing.
"You’ve done it."
No. I think that was my induction
"No" he replies."I think it was your shadowing."
He vanishes to a back room to make a call to head office, comes back, looks at me and says:
“It’s sorted. You’ve done your shadowing, you can go home”
Oh. I reply. I expect this happens a lot."No" .he says. "It never happens"
So I drive back, Another hour through the Red Sea with Moses parting the waves and drowning the chariots so I can get back to my bed in a sea of pollen and hankies.
I just got an email from “head office”.
About seven hours after my shadowing shift that never was.
(I've dried off by now.)
They are “delighted to confirm that you are cleared to work for us”
Well fuck you very much. I’m delighted too, you bunch of retards.
So that's it. My story far.
Probably not the end, probably not the beginning of the end, probably not even the end of the beginning.
What have I learned so far?
A few things. None of them particularly helpful.
- The systems don't work. When you're out of work it takes forever for the system to recognize the fact. Think of a number. Multiply it by the square root of 132. That's how long it will take to process your claim. The cogs move very slowly and with all the efficiency of a pissed apprentice tap dancer wearing clogs.Through treacle. You probably have been back in work having been the Shadow Secretary for Work and Pensions before you get any money. And now you've passed on and you don't need it. Tough. The consequence of this is that people who are on benefits stay on benefits. They know that if they take a job it'll take forever to process their claim if their job ends. And these days jobs end rather frequently.So people stay put. Chasing them off the figures with an axe won't work. (Dear HMG - clean up your act before you ask your people to clean up theirs.)
- The people who are supposed to help you get a job are too busy trying to keep theirs. I lost my job servicing a DWP contract. One of the major players in "getting people back to work" have been done for fraud. The others are (reputedly) just as bad, and are so concerned about meeting their targets that they are encouraging laughably unsuitable people to "sign off" and thereby come off the unemployment figures. Which is when they get paid.
- After all this fancy footwork, I don't know whether I would employ me either, if I was an employer. I am just a teensy bit of a pain in the arse. I won't stick to things that are cast in stone if those things are a bit naff. And to be honest, in my opinion?:
A lot of things The System does are a bit naff.
A lot of services appear to exist to continue the service, and not to make any kind of difference at all.
In fact they seem to exist to keep things just the way they are.
Which would be okay if the way they are is good.
But it isn't.
The Western World is in a crisis and the way things are right now is, in a number of ways, pretty shit.
They can continue like this.
But they really, truly shouldn't.
